onwards and upwards

i've been feeling down lately. can't explain it, obviously - since when could i ever. it really surprises me that for someone so good with words, i totally suck at explaining my true innermost thoughts and words out loud. clearly, the INFJ in me is to be blamed for that.

how much as changed since i last decided to revisit this place.
i've been rereading a couple of blog posts here, and i've realised one thing about myself.
i seem to LOVE to describe myself as a happy bright girl full of sunshine and happiness. each and every blog post that i read i seem to include that line somewhere, and yet, this blog is the MOST depressing place that i know of. the irony.
sure i was that girl once, back before i started dating Julian.  but that girl is not me now, and she hasn't been in awhile. maybe it's time to realise i have issues with letting go.

i have grown though, i would still like to take the time and give myself the pat on my back that i deserve. the one same 'pat on the back' i have been waiting for someone to give me, but now have realised i could have given it to myself a long time ago.
i've come a long way. even i know that now.

so im not sure what has been making me so down and saddened lately. my heart feels heavy. it actually does. i constantly feel like there's a stone on my chest, and i am constantly being reminded about how the world baffles and irritates me. i just want to throw it all away and run into the woods and live, somewhere far away and build my own house by the lake.

once again i feel like I'm caught in that battle within the two personalities in me.
head versus heart.
brain versus gut.
what do i do?

i am determined to get so much more out of life, this yearning this craving and passion to explore, experience, and understand is tremendous. and yet the more i carry on this path of discovery, the more it pushes me into a void of sadness. the people i meet, the disappointment i feel, the weight of this sorrowful world, all seem to mould to the shape of my shoulders. not that i want to. but i am an Empath. i absorb energy, just like that. my very own determination is the one to take me down this path where the very stepping stones are screaming at me to disappear into the wilderness and live among the trees. each step in painful. each step is forced.

life, i will come for you.
accept me when i do.