This post was written on the 21st January 2015, saved, but never published.
I rediscovered this post as i opened my list of Blog Post to take a look at whether the format has changed.
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this thought just crossed my mind.
and it was powerful enough to push me out of my semi slumber to write this.
i feel sad that there are some people whose love i will never get to experience.
the first of the several would definitely have to be Julian.
surely this will come as no surprise to anyone. but till today the damage he has done still haunts me. till today when i scroll past his Instagram photos i still linger for a moment on his upload and stare at the man that i don't know. it's not a nice feeling to be the 'in between girl'. he told me once that if i were to have met him at a different point in his life, he would have been able to love me. being the girl after his one true heartbreak, and the one before his one true love is... really 2 positions no girl wants to be in. this is like taking triple damage. firstly to be the girl to clean up his emotional puke, to come after his one true heartbreak. obviously nobody couldn't love period in that situation, although he had bled droplets of hope to sustain mine day after day for a year. second blow came in the form of 340 days of torture. really this was the true version of the story '300 Days of Summer' except that this was 340 days of darkness. months of crying in bathrooms and being humiliated and attack by him even in front of all our friends. and lastly to find out i was his 'Good Luck Chuck' if you will. sorry for all the movie references, I'm just feeling... strange, today. and despite everything, i still wonder what it was that i missed out on. i still wonder what it will be like to experience that little bit of sunshine he has. To, for once in my life, have his complete affection, even if it was a fleeting second. on hindsight, I'm grateful for the experience of him in my life. without him, without all of his nonsense, i wouldn't have ever been able to grow and discover myself. i will say, a lot of who i am today, is because of him. no doubt about that.
the second one of them would likely be Josh.
oh josh. how different my life would have been if my love had been enough to sustain him. he was, too strong, too clear-minded, too selfish-for-the-right-reasons kind of strength to stay behind with me when what i really needed was someone to hold my hand through my time of searching for myself. i do know that his love never experienced will always be a what-if. sure, i know he was deadly in love with me in the beginning. but later on, it was like the fire died in him a little, the flame burnt out too soon too fast because it had burnt too strong too fiercely to begin with. if he had loved me, geographically i might have been in a different place. my life would be changed forever as i know it. it's not quite the heartbreaker as julian had been, but his selfishness in living for himself hurt me - but then it made me realise that life SHOULD be lived that way. for yourself always. because you should be the most important person for yourself. it has taught me a lesson, opened my eyes the harsh way. it only makes me sad that it had to hurt for me to learn.
Jonathan would be next - a definite on this list.
another example of someone who could have loved me. the wrong girl at the wrong time. we had 7 years of back and forth, but never anything ever materialising because we started under the wrong circumstances. stuck with my mother who wouldn't let me out to see the world. if only she had known, this man i met as a young girl, would later come to be one of the most sincere, most caring and loving persons i know, even till today. he who would care for me, nurture me, if not as a lover but as a friend. we both know that. he had asked me once, if i thought humans could love more than one person at a time. and i answered selfishly No. and i regret my answer. till today. if i could, i would turn back time to that moment and tell him that my answer is Yes. and explain that love was not something that gets filled up. it's a place that only get bigger and bigger the more you love. that week he had spent with me was a priceless week that i will always always be grateful for. that was almost 5 years ago. and there was this moment in time, this one moment in my life that could have almost changed forever, where he called me up at 2am and sat silent on the phone sobbing. telling me he gave in to his love for me. or of what he understood love to be. but he had lost the courage to do what needed to be done. and he apologised for his heart was made to be soft, not hard like the world's. he apologised. through sobs. through sighs. and what could i have possibly done... what could i have done....
and finally, as with all the Js on my list - Jacinta.
it was her that led me to believe that all the names starting with the letter J that would ever come into my life was not good news. and lo and behold. all these names on my list start with J. not that it was intentional. i promise. probably the first ever love in my life. the years of watching her walk past my corridor, of the ache in my heart every time she wasn't around. if only she had loved me back. as a 27 year old right now i can't say that i knew what love was at 14. nor that if she had loved me back - if even she knew what the hell it was either. but even at that early age, not once was i deluded about the fact that she had never really loved / liked me. rather, she was more in love with the attention and adoration i gave her, helping her secure her place at one of the 'it girls', one of the most popular butches around in our time. and she loved that more than she did me. unlike the others on this list, never having this knowledge, or experience, would have changed nothing for me. her love would have had no effect on my life. not now not ever. but... somehow... it doesn't change the fact that she was someone who i was never really sure how she felt about me. and i guess i will never ever be sure.
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the second one of them would likely be Josh.
oh josh. how different my life would have been if my love had been enough to sustain him. he was, too strong, too clear-minded, too selfish-for-the-right-reasons kind of strength to stay behind with me when what i really needed was someone to hold my hand through my time of searching for myself. i do know that his love never experienced will always be a what-if. sure, i know he was deadly in love with me in the beginning. but later on, it was like the fire died in him a little, the flame burnt out too soon too fast because it had burnt too strong too fiercely to begin with. if he had loved me, geographically i might have been in a different place. my life would be changed forever as i know it. it's not quite the heartbreaker as julian had been, but his selfishness in living for himself hurt me - but then it made me realise that life SHOULD be lived that way. for yourself always. because you should be the most important person for yourself. it has taught me a lesson, opened my eyes the harsh way. it only makes me sad that it had to hurt for me to learn.
Jonathan would be next - a definite on this list.
another example of someone who could have loved me. the wrong girl at the wrong time. we had 7 years of back and forth, but never anything ever materialising because we started under the wrong circumstances. stuck with my mother who wouldn't let me out to see the world. if only she had known, this man i met as a young girl, would later come to be one of the most sincere, most caring and loving persons i know, even till today. he who would care for me, nurture me, if not as a lover but as a friend. we both know that. he had asked me once, if i thought humans could love more than one person at a time. and i answered selfishly No. and i regret my answer. till today. if i could, i would turn back time to that moment and tell him that my answer is Yes. and explain that love was not something that gets filled up. it's a place that only get bigger and bigger the more you love. that week he had spent with me was a priceless week that i will always always be grateful for. that was almost 5 years ago. and there was this moment in time, this one moment in my life that could have almost changed forever, where he called me up at 2am and sat silent on the phone sobbing. telling me he gave in to his love for me. or of what he understood love to be. but he had lost the courage to do what needed to be done. and he apologised for his heart was made to be soft, not hard like the world's. he apologised. through sobs. through sighs. and what could i have possibly done... what could i have done....
and finally, as with all the Js on my list - Jacinta.
it was her that led me to believe that all the names starting with the letter J that would ever come into my life was not good news. and lo and behold. all these names on my list start with J. not that it was intentional. i promise. probably the first ever love in my life. the years of watching her walk past my corridor, of the ache in my heart every time she wasn't around. if only she had loved me back. as a 27 year old right now i can't say that i knew what love was at 14. nor that if she had loved me back - if even she knew what the hell it was either. but even at that early age, not once was i deluded about the fact that she had never really loved / liked me. rather, she was more in love with the attention and adoration i gave her, helping her secure her place at one of the 'it girls', one of the most popular butches around in our time. and she loved that more than she did me. unlike the others on this list, never having this knowledge, or experience, would have changed nothing for me. her love would have had no effect on my life. not now not ever. but... somehow... it doesn't change the fact that she was someone who i was never really sure how she felt about me. and i guess i will never ever be sure.
****
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