love

i miss being in love. i miss the feeling of knowing someone wants me. i miss him.

i wish that we could go back in time. doesnt have to be years ago. just take me back 3 months. before he left for italy. before he came back with his sister. before i i lost that place in his room. before we sat by the pool and cried for hours. before he stopped loving me. before everything.

i miss him. these days, even though he is sitting right in front of me, i feel like he is miles away. his heart is elsewhere and i dont even dare breathe the words out loud to myself that his heart isnt with me anymore.

i feel like something in me has been broken. something we shared, that magic, is now lost. i cant help but feel that it's only a matter of time before he is lost to me too.

i really miss it. i miss how he would hug me like nothing else mattered. and there was this look in his eyes that told me everything was gonna be ok. that he had my back. that i would always have a friend in him. but it's not like that anymore.

you know how they say you dont appreciate what you have till it's gone? well that wasnt the case for me. i knew i had a good thing. and i kept it close to my heart. i knew i had a good man. and every day that i woke up that he was by myself, i thanked the universe for allowing that to happen. for allowing me to wake up beside someone who loves me. and such a gift that was. i feared the day that it would end.

if i have ever learnt anything from simply being in my life, is that the moment you realise you want something, it gets taken away from you. i wanted a whole family. that's gone. i wanted friends i can trust. that's gone. i wanted to go to the school event. that's gone. i wanted a mother who actually loves me and not hate me because i reminded her of better times with her cheating husband. that's gone.

i wanted you. marco. the man that ive come to love. well, that's gone too.

and i dunno what makes me more mad. the fact that he woke up one day and just decided that i wasnt god enough for him, or the fact that i had let myself believe that this time, this man wouldnt disappoint me. that this man wouldnt let me down. that he wouldnt make me cry. i let myself believe that. i let my guard down. i opened my life to him. every single gory detail. down to that disgusting pimple he helped me pop and that rash that i have that he wouldnt let me scratch. i was an open book.

and maybe i'm really crying because i'm mad at myself for even believing, even for a second, that i was good enough for anyone. that maybe someone wouldnt come into my life and then walk out again. i had let myself believe that this time, i was worth it. i was worth loving.

but as usual i'm wrong.

im just lonely. i miss him holding my hands. i miss him.

i am so repulsive that he cannot even bring himself to touch me anymore. something as simple as holding my hand. he cant even do that anymore.

i just want someone to hug me again.

anyone.