gone

i wish a car would just knock me down and i'll die.
or i'll go shopping, spend every last cent i have and then drop dead and die.
or better yet.
let me die in my sleep.
let me tell everyone how much i love them. give them all hugs and kisses. and then go sleep and never wake up. i fear life. and i am so fearful even while saying this.
but i honestly cannot think of anything else.
nobody needs to worry about anything related to me anymore.

i wont need to wonder why people who claim to be my friends are all two faced fuckups.
fuckups who dont call, or text. or reply to my messages. people who claim to be there for you always.
people like erin who send me lovely messages one second and the next spill all my secrets just to get back in favour with my ex boyfriend. adrian who spent all my money during his court case and then tell me that he doesnt owe me shit and till this day wont return my stuff. people like julian that used me as a punching bag. day after day of verbal abuse constantly tearing down my self-esteem and confidence just because he has none. till this day i am still fighting to find the esteem that i lost. he doesnt deserve that child he has. no child deserves such an evil father. erin, julian, mehvish. lies after lies in a game they think it's fun. all full of tight dresses alcohol and clubbing thinking if they date the cutest guys they're the best.

every one. all of you.
i wont ever need to worry about all of you again.
i will never need to question myself of im good enough. if i deserve anything.

and marco will never need to worry about not loving me. he wont ever have to wonder how to break up with me without openly hurting me. he wont have to feel guilty again. he wont have to have sleepless nights over this again. or whatever it is. he wont have to be forced to love me again.

so just let me die.
that's all the peace i need there. i'm tried of everything and everyone.
tmr. i hope that i will just keep sleeping. keep sleeping till my body rots and my brain shuts down and my heart stops beating.

in any case, it's not like anyone will find out i'm missing in action until my body starts to rot like crazy in my room. because really, nobody will notice. not even the people in my own house.
my father, not like he ever talks to me.
my friends, none of them ever call or text.
my boyfriend. i dunno what to call him anymore.
if it happens to be on a weekday, then dont worry. he wouldnt know i was gone too till the weekend.
because if he is having a bad day, then i am nothing but a burden.

so im tired now.
my whole life is nothing but swallowing my pride and taking whatever shit gets thrown at me.
now just let me die.