bittersweet

i spoke to josh tonight. and i spoke to the girls.
surely there must be a string of alphabets and words that i can put together to adequately express my emotions right now. i cannot explain this strange bittersweet sense of emotion that's running through me.

it's so bittersweet how things change. how people change, and grow, and move on to bigger and better things for themselves. and how really, nothing ever stops. life goes on after you and me and after us, there will be another 'us'. and when one friendship ends there will be another kind of 'friendship'. and things just change omg.

it means the world to me, to hear him tell me how proud and happy he is for me. and that of all people i deserve to have that happy ending. and i deserve all the good things that i have coming for me. and i might as well have been reduced to tears. not because i still have feelings for him. but because he was with me through one of the biggest journeys in my life. supporting me through my time in shanghai and healesville. supporting me in the time that i was still finding myself. still trying to settle myself into my own soul.

ive mentioned it before. the combination of shakeel after julian was probably the biggest life-changing and character-building time for me in my adult life. and to have both break me down like this was heartbreaking. and so i jumped at the first chance i got to flew to shanghai and then came back and left for indonesia the next day and then back and off to australia that same week. and josh was there through it all. how can i ever look back at that time in my life and not carry such warm yet bittersweet feelings of how it all went down. the friendships that were broken in the process, the cycle of how things rose and fell and unfolded.

it was good. i needed to speak to josh tonight. to rehash the past, to laugh back at our silliness, and to smile and the good times. it refreshed me and made me aware again of all the things i have in my life that i am grateful for. the things i have been given, the experiences that ive gone through. perhaps i really am every ounce as strong as people say i am.

all these things that marco and i have been going through lately, has really thrown me off my game. i have never invested so much into a relationship before, never been more serious, more committed, more in love. maybe its because im getting older, and there comes a time you just wanna settle down and lead a quiet comfortable life. growing up in the environment that i did wasnt easy, and it has aged me. and now i finally want none of that nonsense. i just want a quiet simple settled life and to love and be loved. it's not that complex.

maybe we're coming to the end of our relationship. maybe not. all i want right now is that he finds peace within himself. because he is absolutely right. if he cannot love himself, no way in hell he can ever love me. i dont really wanna know or think about it. it builds too much negativity in me and i dont want that. and i dont need that. i have grown by leaps and bounds through this whole saga of my life. and somewhere out there, someone who had held my hand through it all, is proud of me. he's proud of me for being my best. for taking care of my life. for settling myself on a good path and sticking to it. and i'd like to keep it that way.

its funny how things come when they come. how everything has its own perfect rhythm, everything in synchronicity with each other. and just when you're about to give up, you open your heart for that one final moment and then something swoops in and changes your mind about it in its entirety. and boy, it really will change everything.

i needed this tonight. this talk with josh and the girls. i needed it to refresh my mind and to remind me of how far i have come. and it would be such a shame to let it go down the drain if i'd let myself go. if i forget who i am. if i give myself up and compromise on myself. marco, he is a man i love with all my heart. a man i would gladly take his name and settle down with. have a family and BE a family. like i said, it could be dreams for all i know. this relationship could be ending, or it could just be refreshing itself, or we might get to explore each other all over again and bounce back stronger, wiser, more in tuned. or not. and i cannot keep beating myself over it. because i've already been there and done that. now i dont wanna go back to it.

i will hold my head high through all the storms i might face.
at least when i emerge i will be washed clean of all burdens that sit me down.

thank you josh.
i needed this tonight.