heaviness

i feel completely defeated.
i always thought i had it in me to rise above all the bullshit life throws at me.
everytime something horrible happened, i always found a way to bounce back stronger.
no matter how broken i felt.
no matter how scared or scarred.
i always knew the distant future will be bright and i will be loved again.

its not the same anymore.
i feel old in my soul.
i dont have the willpower to do anything anymore.

this is whats keeping me from reaching out to anymore.
i dont have the energy to talk anymore.
to talk about my feeling, to talk about whats going on.
it drains me way too much.

these day i just sit in my white bed and stare at my white walls.
and i stare and stare and stare
teary and blurry eyed.
i dont have the energy to cry, or talk, or get out of bed,
or do anything.
everything reminds me of you.

and that is why for the first time in my life,
i havent turned to my blog more.
whenever im sad and upset, my blog is the first place i turn to.
but i dont have the energy for that anymore.

i feel like im collapsing within myself.
like im drowning in my own life.
some nights i wake up in panic because my chest feels like its having an asthma seizure.
but when i reach for my inhaler that feeling disappears..
and then im confused, and lost
and i fall back asleep with tears on my pillow hours later.

ive never believe in god.
never really been a religious person.
but if there is a god out there,
or anyone similar to a god.
please do the kindest thing and just take the breath out of me now.
right here as i am sitting in this bed,
let me breathe my last and take me away peacefully.
while im sitting in my white bed in my white room
that;s only fair after what you put me through.

"im just about to set fire to everything i see.

i want you so bad i'll go back on the things i believe."