gravity

i just realized something. i wouldnt call it an epiphany but, it's the greatest most humbling and terrible thought i've ever had. it had dawned upon me like the first ray of the sun. bright and clear with all the dirt revealed and suddenly everything makes sense now. everything makes sense. all the pain and tears i've ever shed and experienced. and this is what i've come to realize. it's a terrifying thought and it's bringing me to tears.

i needed the pain to keep me humble.
i needed love to ache for me to appreciate what a gift it is.
with love and a good boyfriend, i become proud, and arrogant.
as though i've got it all.
and i do.
with love and a steady relationship i become complacent.
i take almost everything for granted and become lazy with myself.
self betterment and self discovery goes right out the window
and in its stead now leaves the proud shell of a person i no longer recognize.

who am i? who is this girl who lives and breathes in my skin, no longer motivated to be the best she can be? who is this person who claims my name yet throws it to the dirt? i dont understand how i've let myself come to this state. i dont like myself anymore. i dont like the person i've become over the last 6 months. i am no longer spiritual, no longer at peace. there is no love for the world, only hatred and anger within. i seem to have taken absolutely NO control over my life and i am miserable for the person i've become.

the identity i've come to familiarize myself with is no longer and for the love of god! looking back now i dont even Know where i've stopped becoming myself. and that's a scary thought. that scares me to no end. what happened to me??? it was so easy for me to simply let go... 2013 is supposed to be a year of learning, a year of change. that i've promised myself. and yet look. barely a month in and i'm starting to see that i'm not myself anymore. and for fuck's sake i'd better start getting that girl back. the one who eats and sleeps well. goes to the gym and has love in her heart. cooks her own food and put good things into her body. yoga and meditates and learns to hone and control her psychic abilities. reads crystals and constantly used crystal healing to balance her chakras. she's gone. she's all gone.

it was almost i needed to punish myself in some way. without the love i so crave, i become humble. i empathize with the broken because i was the broken. i understand that there was more to life than my selfish self and i was good...oh my god i was good. i was a good person but now, who am i???? who am i becoming????

i am devastated. i can hardly believe this is who i am now. this needs to change. i have to change this. some way some how. i'm gonna be me again.