i am very still tonight. for some reason it feels to me a though i've just ended a chapter in my life. what chapter i dont really know. maybe it's me finally making the decision to end this life of misery i have, and to finally start learning to live with peace and joy in my heart. i have come to a moment of the greatest epiphany that happiness is a decision. happiness is a conscious decision that which we make every single morning when we wake up. that happiness is not a destination, instead, it is a way of travel. it is a way of life. it is a decision. and coming to that conclusion is made me still. it has quietened my mind and my heart and for the first time in what feels like a long long time, i can hear myself again. no noise no drama. no internal conflict, no emotional turmoil. i havent texted or spoken T the whole week and i dont feel the need to. all my ramblings in my previous posts, all gone. what was i ever complaining about? i feel very still, very quiet tonight and it is me, finally.
i just finished reading a book - The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Luiz and in my opinion it is one of the best, absolutely best best best best books i've read in a long long time. i dont even remember the last book i read that has challenged me this much. everything else has always seemed like a load of bullshit to me and they dont teach me anything new, i wasnt challenged in any way. but this book. it struck a real chord with me. it's written in the most simple manner ever. no fancy words, no fancy 'spiritual' pictures, no famous sayings and quotes, no big bombastic words and ideas, nada. just pure simple truth. and oh...the beauty... how those words seemed to resonate with every cell in my body.
i am quiet and still tonight but i feel like crying. as i'm sitting here crying i can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. but it's not because i'm choked with emotion or any of that bull, strangely enough i actually feel rather at peace with myself right now. i know the tears are meant for myself. what was i ever thinking? i am so ashamed of myself for ever letting myself fall into such a great deep pit of despair and self-pity and self-loathing. really, you cant share with others what you dont have and i love to love. i love loving others and bringing joy to the lives of others, but if i cant really truly love myself, there is nothing that i can give to the rest of the people that i care of. because if happiness is a choice, and the result of that happiness is pure love, then i see now that the onus is on me to decide to be happy every morning when i wake up and live my days that way.
i understand now that i should have never said 'i want to be happy' because treating happiness like it was a destination was never the answer. instead i should have said to myself 'i AM happy and i choose to be happy today.' one step at a time darling. one day after another. and i feel so sad. i feel sad for the world, and for the people that constantly tell themselves they will never attain happiness. after this promotion, after my degree, after my holiday, after i do this, after i do that, THEN i will be happy. and that really isnt the truth. happiness is waking up every morning and deciding that for the sake of yourself, and for the love you have for yourself, you WILL and CAN choose to be happy today and with everything else that comes along your way. and if in every single one of these blog posts that i write i keep telling reminding myself of what a broken person i am, i will forever continue being a broken person. i keep putting this energy out and out and out about how my heart is breaking and goddamnit. isnt it about time i stop?? sign... stop it inez, about time you love yourself the way you want to be loved. and no man in the world is going to be able to give that to you. no man or woman in the world is going to love myself more than i can. and i must never forget that. never.
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