if this is not proof that the negativity really does have a physical impact on the human body, i dont know what is. and by negativity i mean, negative energy and negative thoughts. for past couple weeks or so i have been completely, completely completely completely out of sorts. i've been out of balance and sooo out of sync with everything, energetically speaking.
but how can i be surprised really. my thoughts have been naught but consumed with T and Josh and how to reconcile what i feel with what i want to do and it's been a terrible. when i'm with T everything is good. we have fun and we still connect the same way, everything thus far has been a dream. save for the bit where he's gonna leave and apart from what he had said to me in the car on Monday night, every else has the makings of a great relationship written all over it. and it kills me to know that... he's leaving, and we will never have that. we will never have that chance to discover that because well, he's leaving. and it's like sitting here knowing that sooner or later we'll be hitting a brick wall and one of us is gonna hurt really badly.
and on the other hand, everytime i look down at my phone i see the responsibility i have to josh to talk it out with him and give him the answers as to why i simply disappeared. his insistent bugging me non stop, jeez its really stressful. and it's not that i dont wanna talk to him, it's just... i dont know how to anymore. what is there i can say? after all the shit i had to take with shakeel i dont know anymore. i dont even know what i want anymore. fuck i really really hate men.
i cant take it, my heart is breaking and so is my body. i can feel it, i know it from deep within that me falling sick now again, is not a matter of physicality. and that's the reason why doctors dont seem to be able to find out what's physically wrong with me because i know it's all in my heart. when i say that my heart is breaking, and that the pain down my spine is hurting me, i really do mean it. you really Can die of a broken heart. i... just, i really cant take it anymore. i cant deal with it i dont know how to. and it weighs on my heart and my mind so so so much, that it's starting to break down my physical body. it's the same when julian left, i spent weeks in bed just down with sickness and it's like my body has lost it's will to fight it. and the same thing again when shakeel left, i immediately fell sick. and when Indigo was giving me shit, i fell sick again. and now having to deal with both T and Josh both at the same time, it's no wonder i'm falling sick again. and it's not that i'm bottling things up inside and refuse to let anyone in or talk to anyone. but i couldnt even if i wanted to isnt it? i've lost my voice completely.
i think i've been through more than a normal person should take.
and i think that it's about time i be given a break.
just let me find me find someone who will be that peace of mind for me.
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