it was almost like i was so thrilled with the idea of meeting someone who was exactly like me. someone with whom i can enjoy some hilariously intellectual wordy and absolutely geeky banter about....gosh! everything! heh, my werent we the major nutcases. but it was delightful. for a change i was with someone who wasnt throwing a bitchfit and acting like a child half the time. i was with someone i could sip wine with, go for live music performances, walk through the museums with, actually finally go to Food For Thought with and the Marina Barrage. like finally! someone who will listen to me talk about crystals and discuss our philosophies of life and throw ideas around with each other.
and...someone who was nervous about being around me. it was cute and he made me feel pretty again and, really, such a gift it was =)
but, what was i thinking? no actually, what was HE thinking! how dare he start anything with me when he knew there could be a possibility he could be going back to New York! sigh. in all fairness, no one can blame him. he didnt know he had to go back until after we started dating, and really what could i have done huh? we started something so sweet and fun. how could i just back out now, all for such selfish reasons. because here, i wasnt the only one taking the risk and he obviously felt more for me than i did for him. just the very day we met we sat by the waters in sentosa talking till wee hours in the morning under the moonlight. just thinking about that moment puts a smile on my face. but he's leaving now. and what else can i do other than dread the day and brace myself for the next big 'talk' we inevitably are gonna have.
he needs to figure out what he wants. what, do we continue what we have long-distanced? or do we end it when he leaves? i cant even begin to explain to you the sickening lonely feeling that washed over me when he broke the news to me in the car, although he obviously tried to be as blasé about it as he could possibly pretend to be about news so huge. it was as though all the life got sucked out of me and i was momentarily rendered speechless and in my head i remember thinking "No! No no no please no! i cant go through this all over again!" how can i ever forget that moment because there i was, sitting in T's car on the way to a surprise location for a date-night dinner he had planned for us, being the butt of Life's jokes. again.
so what am i gonna do huh? i feel like a sitting duck, waiting for another heartache to explode in my face because, let's not lie to ourselves, we all know that's gonna happen. i should have known not to get involved. or should i? one last romantic love memory before i go into hibernation? who knows. perhaps T really is a good thing. after him i doubt i'll ever date the same again. i cant. he has made me so much calmer. settled me that much more because through him i learnt to be still. so... i guess we'll wait and see. if i've learnt anything from Life's jokes on me is to appreciate and enjoy every little moment of what i have while i still have it, and to learn to stop fighting the things that will inevitably change with time and instead, make peace with it so that when the time came to let go, i know i put my best down to it. because in the end, everything changes. whether you like it or not.
"so take me off your mailing list, forget to think it still exists.
New York i love you, but you're bringing me down."
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