heartbreak

My heart, is...breaking again? How is that possible?
Even as I'm sitting here I am in utter disbelieve that I am in this position again. And I don't know which is worse. The fact that I know I'm in this situation yet again, or that I've let it sneak up on me again. is there something I'm not doing right? T said to me tonight "oh no you need to cut cut cut the ties before you start getting attached, and it will hurt you. I think your self-defense needs to activated, but perhaps yours is not working quite right at the moment." I could have well replied something smart if I wanted to but I couldn't. This is hurting me way more than I could have imagined. Not so much for the fact that this is T doing it to me, but more so that it's happening to me again. And I knew, I just KNEW this was gonna happen, I heard that little voice! I heard it! The night T got drunk and I was taking care of him, I sat there watching for awhile and in my head I heard that voice again warning me that this was gonna be a heartbreak. But I couldn't bring myself to believe it. How could I? After everything that T has shown me, after how nice he's been to me, after...after...

J.K. Rowling once said in her books that we as humans have a knack for choosing exactly the things that are the absolute worst for us. And that statement cannot be more true for me. Maybe "absolute worst" is abit of an overstatement but hell, they sure do hurt like a bitch. I'm not sure what I'm thinking now. I'm still in a bit of a shock I think, like the reality of things haven't quite sunk in yet? And when I wake up tomorrow and realize that I am most truly and completely alone, I'll think and feel different. Right now all I know is that I need to write it all out before my head explodes.

Is my heart really breaking, I'm not quite sure. Its almost like I've come to a sudden standstill. And I'm not really sure what to do? I feel about confused really, like is this really my life or is it not. All I know is that I wake up everyday with this same blackness in my heart, and a dull ache in my body. maybe it's an accumulation of a year's worth the deep heartache and pain that Julian put me through. Whatever it is, It's here and it's looks like it gonna stay. And after he left, so did Shakeel, and Josh, and soon T will too. So don't anybody fucking say that I didn't give it my all, that I didn't give it my best, or that I'm not trying and that I let myself fall into this great state of despair and refuse to help myself out of it, because I fucking hell tried. And they better damn well know I did.

They're no tears.
I can't even cry.