i havent felt that deep spine chilling ache in a while, and i know it's because of T and his presence in my life this very moment. i think he's good for me now, he's the good emotional break that i need, despite that attica incident. and yeah...every now and then i still fall asleep crying, but that's only because i'm abit too tired of my life for my own good. but then again, who isnt? we all have baggage we never really get over. still, i'm glad that i decided to go to wavehouse that fateful Cinco De Mayo night.
i am very grateful though, for life. i have everything i could need right now. i have the most awesome friends around me. friends who bring nothing but positivity and good energy to my life. sad as the situation may seem, i am somewhat relieved that that people who were never truly my friends are gone from my life. and that i've managed to finally see the true colours of some people i thought we my friends. and let go of the people whom i thought loved me, but never really did. all these people can go go go. the people who still stay, the friends of mine that are still here in my life despite all the disagreements and time lapse, are really the ones who deserve my time and energy. and lemmie tell y'all. my friends will kick your sorry ass for me if need be. they're the only real kick ass bitches i'll ever need. and you know who you guys are xx
and yet with all this, i cant help but feel stuck in my own life. i mentioned on twitter a few days ago that i am very grateful to have had such a character building life. and indeed i am. i am quite glad that i've gone through all the things in my life that i have, because it made me the person i am today - cliched as it may sound. strong and independent. thank the universe that i am not some kinda dumb bimbo with completely no intellectual or emotional depth whatsoever. and that's always a relief isnt it? heh.
i think what i really need is to just get out of singapore for good. i need to get out of this place. this place that holds far too many bad memories for me. and try as i may to make good out of it - turn this dark energy into fuel for something good, it drains me regardless. sometimes, i just wanna get out of this damn island and go somewhere more freeing. some place where there's space to think, to discover myself, and discover the meaning of life and the reason for my existence. some place to wide enough to ponder about that things i've been through in life and some place large enough that will allow me to draw meaning from it. just camp under the stars by a mountain side with a bonfire, a good hoodie, and someone i love. it's that simple. that's all i want. i realized that all my spiritual transformations and spiritual discoveries all occur when i travel. it's something about the air in this fucking damned country that is JUST... SO... DAMNED... BURDENING... and i hate it. every day that i awake to find myself still in this shithole, i quite literally wanna die.
but oh well, that time will come soon enough for me i guess. but till then i have things to complete in singapore, lessons yet to learn and friends yet to help. i suppose the biggest comfort i take from still being here is that the time for me to leave is not here yet, because when the time is right i will go and i will go for good. i feel like i am still needed here in singapore. like there is still something left to be done that i havent yet because the time is not right. if that makes any sense at all. and, like i said, when the time is right i will leave. maybe it's because all the people i meet and date all seem to leave in the end. like quite literally leave and live overseas. and i know. i JUST know in my heart that it's a sign that i too will not carry out the remainder of my youth in this damned place. fucking singapore.
well. wasnt this a long aimless post?
"so when i lose my way, find me
and when i lose love's chains, bind me.
till the end of all my days, and at the end of all my faith
and when i forget my name, remind me."
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