tis the season

things are different this year. there's no nicer way to start this. i broke my yearly ritual by not writing a letter to santa this year. in fact, i dont think i ever will again. there's just too little things i want to be able to create a list, and really, this year, i wanted the most simple of the simplest things. i wanted him. but i guess, a simple request for a complex being doesnt cut it on the list.

i honestly dont really know what to blog about anymore.

he's distancing himself from me. emotionally. and you know what, that's fine. i've given up hope of him ever wanting me anymore. i cant even dream of him trying to like me or ever wanting to hug me or kiss me or even be close to me. sure, we were great once. but that was before. things are broken now and it can never be the same because he doesnt want it to. it seems like he doesnt want anything to do with me apart from my gym and pool facilities. and again, that's fine. i have to learn to accept it although it breaks my heart to know all this. things you cant change you have to learn to accept.

i just wish he would stop hating me so much. stop doing and saying all this hurtful things to me. stop trying to put me down so much just to make himself feel good. what did i do wrong to him that he is able to show such hate to me... i dont know anything anymore. i dont even know the person i've become because of him.

i cant think anymore..