c'est la vie

i honestly feel like the last time i blogged was like 20 years ago. the last time i even had time to think about anything for the matter. as usual i've been letting my life run on auto pilot and really, im dont know what other way i'd have it. running my life seems like a huge chore right now that i dont wanna deal with. there has been so many opportunities for me to go out and do things and make something of myself, but my heart and mind and body is just way too tired and heavy for it and the weight of it has been keeping me bound tight to my bed. lying in between the sheets and praying for some healing to begin. unfortunately all ive gotten from that is more than a few torturous cold and lonely nights. but with that said, i'd rather spent all the time in the world by myself, than to be out there staring at the world and all the people that fill it and make it such an unpleasant place to be in. the people, our humanity, is going down the drain.

these days i'm just so much more angry. there's so much angst and disgust in me. i'm just so tired of looking at people, and in more recent times, looking at friends, and wondering...why do they do that? why? why are people filled with so much self-indulgence?? it makes me so sad..so so sad to know that at the end of the day it's every man for himself. whatever happened to the love thy neighbour rule anymore?? i dont understand this place. maybe it's this country, maybe it's this government that im hating that makes laws to suppress all this beauty around us. or maybe i'm just angry that people are so uncouth and hypocritical. disgusted with the people who are so one-track minded that they cant be open to receive and accept the mysteries of things that dont understand. sitting by myself in my room in the darkness accompanied by my own misery seems so much more bearable than facing all these plastic people. at the very least, my greatest consolation is that i can live with myself. i can go to bed knowing that i have good and beautiful intentions for the world and it's people.

i am desperate. if by any chance anyone is reading this post, please, this is my desperate plea to the world. please find me someone like me. please find me someone who will and can love and love and love most wholesomely. who would give every bit of their soul away fighting for what they believe in, not caring about how many strings they have to cut away. someone craving for all the negativity in the world to decrease. no more pretentious talk, no more preaching, no more hypocrisy.

i really really need to get away from this crazy place. this place is so full of hate and anger. i need to escape so bad. just someone take me away to a place with vast fields, tall trees, glowing stars, a warming sun, miles and miles of vast emptiness, no tall concrete buildings, no ringing phones, no endless mindless human chatter, none of that. none of that crazy bullshit. a place where a yes means yes and no means no. where hanging out with someone more than usual means-yes we like each other and we're together. a place where people are so full of healthy rich spiritual abundance that they never need to make use of anyone. a place where the past stays in the past and where the future holds bright and beautiful things. a place where emotional baggage gets left at the door. a place so sincere and loving the idea of just being there can bring smiles to the faces of the poor and grieving.

literally i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. looking out my window i see so much beauty in the world, but together with that so much sadness. and the irony of it is people are so caught up in attaining beauty they forget to be happy.

and that, is the sad truth of life =(