In just a mere half hour from now, it will be my dearest julian's bday. Of course I'd love to be spending this special day with him, but I know he'd rather spend this day being by himself in his world of loneliness. So I won't intrude.
Sometimes, despite being always so broken by him, the idea of him simply being who he is really amazes me. I really do love this man. With all my heart, I honestly most sincerely do. I wish I could somehow find a way to project all my love upon him, and open his eyes and heart to beauty of this world, all the time constantly bathing him in pure and genuine love. And he'll see that love can be quite the beautiful thing.
But maybe I'm just not what he wants. Actually, I don't even know what he wants at all. I try not to ask because I know it pisses him off when I do. It would be nice to know if there is any part of him now that might want me the way I want him, but I know that even if there was he would never admit it, therefore I will never know. It's just something I know I have to live with. Something I should have learnt to accept a long time ago.
I don't know if he's just making use of my convenience now. In fact, I don't know anything because he won't give me any answers. Ok maybe not direct answers, but maybe just a reasonable explanation I can understand. Even if it was something simple like "I'm not ready because I'm still hung up" or something. Even if it was brutally honest, at least he's being honest. But from Julian, I don't even have this basic sense of honesty. He doesn't even respect me enough to be honest with me. Yet with all this, I'm still willing to wait by his wall in the cold. I really must be stupid.
My birthday boy with the sunshine heart. He never wants to hug me or kiss me. He's even stopped touching my hair. Falls asleep on his side of the bed by himself. No cuddles, no pillow talk. Tells me I have to pay $200 if I wanted hugs or kisses of any sort and that I shouldn't touch what I couldn't afford. Never gives me any honest answers and doesn't want anyone to know of my existence. He says that I'm putting alot of pressure on him. Which sometimes leaves me in complete bewilderment because for him I have retreated into the furthest corner and literally have asked nothing of him.
But what can I do? All I want is just for him to genuinely wanna be with me. Minus the gym, minus the pool, minus everything else. Someone who will want me for me. Don't know who could ever do that anymore..
[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline
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