It's been almost a month since I last blogged, feeling kinda out of it. Feeling kinda out of everything in fact. I almost feel like I've been running my life on auto-pilot and that there are way too many things to worry about right now, like I'm watching myself live through a third person's view. All because I let love take my life over. Dont know how else to handle all this. Guess I've been well on my way heavily down the path of destruction long before I ever realized it.
I feel like there's something missing in my life. Like I've been searching and searching for so long for a kind of acceptance and love from people only to be let down time and time again. I see so clearly what I want, it's always only a few steps away from me but protected behind a thick glass wall. I can see it, just can't touch it and day by day the yearning grows. it's killing me slowly.
Julian, he has been the bane of my existence the past half a year. Everything I do, I do out of love and well wishes for him. I want only the best for him because I want him to soar and go nowhere lower than the very top, cuz that's where he's meant to be. He and his blinding brilliance. But recently I'm just feeling much too drained. How long can I continue giving and giving and bleeding myself dry for him??
Does he really not see all this? I have been reduced to nothing more than his shadow and it's so painful. To have him in my life but to have him shun me and my love away like it's a mad disease that could infect and weaken him. Am I that detestable?? I love being with him and being around him but everyday it's a hurtful reminder of what we really are, of how he will never accept me not because he doesn't know how to, but because he doesn't want to.
It's amazing to me how I can still want him so much. All I want now is just for him to love me whole and full. For once, to hug me because he'd wanna hold me in his arms. To kiss me because he'd wanna show his affection. To at least show me that I mean something to him, even the tiniest bit, would suffice. But to receive nothing at all, after all that I've given for him, and yet at the end of everything feel so unappreciated, is so hurtfully disappointing.
I love him despite all his flaws, despite his selfishness. I only wish he could give me a chance to love him purely and wholly, and for him to love me back with no holds barred.
Even my tears can't flow enough tonight =(
[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline
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