waiting

i dont know what to do. i feel as though life is mocking me, laughing in my face and feeling the thrill of watching me go through this whole cycle of ups and downs. every time i decide that i wanna stop fighting this sadness, decide to stop fighting him, decide to just let things unfold the way it should and try to be me a happybee, something like that happens. it ALWAYS always happens right the night after and i really, dunno what to do. am i not meant to be happy or what? or is life just putting me to the test...

i honestly wonder who the hell is watching me and having a good laugh about it. i'm so tired of being so down and depressive all the time. i just wanna wake up in the morning and not be reminded of anything. just wanna wake up, be able to draw my curtains, feel the warmth of the sun on my face and feel so utterly grateful for the people around me that i know love me still. i feel like a huge joke, such a huge burden, to them, to him.

i wonder, a year from now, will i look back and laugh at myself?? i really wish i could take a peek into the future, regardless of whether or not the outcome is gonna be to my liking, i just really wanna know the answer. i'm tired of always being strung along and not knowing where to go. i could have never imagined the end of adrian and i. i never did. just the way i cannot picture in my head the idea of jooo and i ending this. i know inevitably, things will for sure come to an end. i only wonder how i will look back and what i will be thinking.

of course i'd wanna be happy about. be grateful still and keep all our sweetest memories warm in my heart. but how happy can i be happy about the end of something i once held so dear? will i be bitter like he is now? will all this worrying and all this letdown poison me the way it's poisoned him? i sure as hell dont wanna look back and ask myself what i was thinking getting involved with a man like him, i really dont.

all i wanna do now is just run into his arms and beg him to hold me tight the way he used to. i hate all this feelings of resentment and animosity between us. i dunno what's bothering him so much that everything i do pisses him off. i dont even know why we started fighting in the first place. 2 hours of going back and forth and a whole night of thinking and crying and here i am still as confused as before. i wish we could just once and for all sit down and talk things out properly. no more hiding, no more avoiding questions, no more cryptic talk. just plain white honesty. sigh...i dunno why he can't just do that.

i hate this.

"so i keep waiting, hiding, masquerading, till your love starts changing baby looking for somebody like me to love."