privatized

i'm feeling rather ashamed of myself.

how did i lose myself so badly last night?

how did i ever allow my whole world to fall apart like this?

so i am done.

done fighting this.

from hereon out,

i will start trying my very hardest to be a happybee again.

no more tears,

no more comparisons,

no more questions,

no more hope.

i will learn to accept him and his sorrow for all it's worth.

and take it as it comes.

be grateful for the time i've been given with him,

learn to leave all decisions in his hands.

and be patient.

dont question,

dont want more.

i have to start settling into my mind

the concept of

"people cannot know about us"

and to learn to suppress my indignance about it.

to accept it.

and to understand and be prepared

for the day i become too painful for him to bear.

so till then,

i will be a happybee.

i will try my very hardest to hold back the emotions i have.

start learning to freeze this heart of mine,

from the fever of love it's in.

if it's meant to be it will be.

so dont ask so much.

learn to shut up.

just.

learn.

"im what you need, but she's what you want no not me."