Masked

I wish I could tell you how much I've changed these 2 weeks you were away. I wish I can explain to you how or what made me change but I can't. Because even I myself don't know what really happened. Something in me just broke, snapped right into two clean halves. I remember saying once to you, that you could very well be the one to make or break me. Well congratulations, cuz you've finally broken me.

I'm so tired of fighting you, your wall. So tired of repeating this same line over and over again like a broken record. So tired of saying I'm tired. Sick of all the questioning. Sick of all the waiting, and so sickened by all the wanting, too in pain from all the endless yearning for you. So I give up. I cannot be bothered to fight anymore. Don't have the strength to keep myself standing any longer.

But you like the change don't you? You who thinks that I've finally become a happy person. Well haven't I told you many times before that I'm a way better actress than you? Now I finally get the chance to put all my good acting into great use, because I for one, am fooling THE actor. Well done me, well done.

You know, I love you so much oh my god if only you knew the number of times I had to bite my tongue so hard that I taste blood just so I will not accidentally blurt it out to you. I wanna tell you so bad but I, like you, am equally afraid of being so even more emotionally attached. You're not the only one you know. So I hold back, and let this inward-ness kill me even more because I know saying it to you won't make any difference. No way in the world are you ever gonna say it back to me, no way you can ever bring yourself to a point where you even feel it to begin with. I'm sorry that I've imposed so much on you, sorry that I had to be the next girl to come along.

I am so jealous of her, the girl before me that you wanted, and will be so jealous of the girl after me, whoever that fucking lucky girl may be, that you will want more.

Beneath this brave happy front of a mask that I'm wearing, i'm dead. I wish you could know this. Wished, with ALL my heart, it could make a difference. But I know it won't. So I won't bother no more...



[hurting on the go] Inezcaroline