crumbling

[Heartbreak feels the same, no matter who you are.]

i've been sitting here in the dark for the past half an hour staring at an empty blog page. for the first time i'm at a loss for words. i cannot find the words to eloquently explain how much i wanna fall to the floor and die. it's killing me it's eating me up inside and i dont know what to do. i dont feel like filling this space with with my gift of words because tonight, i am gift-less and empty.

i sat before mehvish tonight broken and wanting comfort. i leaned forward to her with my hands clasped tight against my chest because i swear my heart was about to fall out of my body with all this yearning and frustration for someone to feel exactly the anguish i was in. for someone to understand. and i told her almost in tears "i hate it with a passion. i'm about to fall apart i wanna crumble so badly this is driving me crazy it's consuming my life my every thought is nothing but this. what mehv...am i losing my mind???"

she sat up and leaned closer to me too and asked "ok, tell me what i can do to make you feel better." and that was when it struck me. what the fuck was i trying to do, who am i trying to fight?

him? am i still trying to fight his wall?? am i still trying to be a part of his life?? what am i trying so hard to win over? am i trying to prove something to myself or do i really want him for him?? he and his "you always want what you cannot have" notion. miller is his forbidden fruit, and he is mine. it has come to a point where i hate seeing myself in the mirror because every time i see my reflection, it just confuses me even more. what is it about me that he doesn't see?? what about me is so lacking in significance that he simply doesn't want me?? why is he pushing me away with such force?? am i that detestable?? why am i so easy to hate? what is it that makes me so easy to hate and her so easy to love?? what's wrong with me??? what, is wrong, with me?? to quote a lost friend "to hope against all hope is hopeless." why....why am i still wanting him to love me?? why am i still presenting my raw and incomplete heart to him when i know full well he is only gonna turn me away?? am i stupid??

i keep trying to tell myself to give up. everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be, it will be. but it just serves to confuse me more sometimes. if it's meant to be, it will be, isnt it? if we're meant to be then why does he not want me?? and if we're NOT meant to be then why is he here in my life?? why did we meet that fateful night and why did our friendship kick off at such pace?? why?? if everything happens for a reason then what is our reason exactly? what is my purpose of being in his life at such a point? to put him even more in a rut too? and why is HE in my life? to drown me in even more rejection? to prove to me again and again that really, nobody wants me?? no one at all?? HOW FUCKING PATHETIC! i stopped believing in the men in my life and finally the one man i want to believe in, is pushing me away.

but i've given up. i've lost all faith and lost all hope. i dont even know what to believe anymore. all the warm moments i had with him, were they as real to him as they were to me?? when he told me over skype that he falls asleep worrying whether or not i'll stay up all night like a vampire...when he ran his fingers through my hair and told me that he can't not be nice to me...when he pulled me in and kissed my face all over for the first time...when he told me that he wanted to sleep close to me so that he could be here to hold me when i woke from my bad dream...when he brushed my arm at the mee sua place and said that he was starting to believe in me...when he held my face up to his, pressed his soft lips against mine and told me that he knows for a fact that he is better for me than adrian will ever be...how much of it was real??

i'm pretty sure not all were. im very certain that there was a point in time he did all that because he wanted so badly the warmth and the touch of another. simply put, a space filler. and now that the novelty of me was wearing away he starts getting irritated and frustrated with me. at me. and it just...breaks my heart.

im torn. i dont know what i should do. i dont know how to want him less. i dont know....i'll always be living under this shadow of his dear miller. i hate it that i'm paying now for her mistake of not wanting him but i have no choice...it's too late to change anything already. i have no strength left to continue knocking at his wall because all the knocking has bruised and battered me up. im tired of always feeling small and insignificant in front of him.

he really has no idea, how small it makes me feel every time i have to ask for a hug, or a kiss. but how do i tell this to anyone? how do i tell this to my girlfriends?? how will they understand what it feels like to have to beg for a hug and a kiss?? how much lower should i bring myself, how much smaller can i be??

"so i'll take my time and see if your love can be changed. wont rush this fight, cuz i know that your heart's still in pain. ............ you deserve someone who stays. im what you need, but she's what you want, no not me."