marlboro nights

there's something very comforting about being able to laze around in bed the whole day. as i have been doing. sure when there's nothing to do the mind starts thinking. but sometimes, thinking may not always be a bad thing. i guess it always just boils down to how settled/unsettled one really is. tonight im appreciating a whole lot more the darkness and emptiness of my room and the quiet and stillness of the house.

i spend quite a great deal of time today reading back on past blog posts and past tweets. i dunno, something about it always amazes me. how things change, how an event unfolds, and how unexpected life really is. in my case tonight, reading back on posts and tweets, i was amazed with how friendships changes, about meeting people you dont expect to meet, how feelings can develop so surely and quickly, and how things can end up the way they do.

thinking about that very first night with him still makes me smile. really, how the night turned out to be. there i was, tired and undecided, ready to soak up the love of my girlfriends and trying to hide from the world and all it's predators. never in a million years would i ever have thought, that the world's answer to my hiding, was to give me him. and that night, i escaped, into his arms, his lips, his voice, his eyes, his touch, his company. everything about that night by the steps felt like a dream. the last person i expected to meet that night, was the first person to want to press his soft lips on mine. i am still surprised by how quickly he grew to be my comfort and how our friendship developed and what a strange turn it took. for better or worst i dont know but regardless, i have him here and appreciative of him all the same.

i cant explain this emotion i have for him, nor can i even attempt to try to assess our strange relationship. but i am very very amazed by it still. how can i complain, and why HAVE i been stressing so much about it? how can i have been crying and breaking myself into pieces and expect someone else to love someone like me? how can i expect others to love me if i dont ever love myself first? sigh...love is strange. it is a huge overused, under-understood word. and tonight, my decision seems clearer and more right than ever before. im not saying i wont cry anymore, not saying that i wont hurt anymore because damn i know, if im sticking with him there'll always be more hurt coming my way. all im saying, is that im done. done with the questions, done with the hoping, done with the wanting, done. i will continue helping him, continue loving him, but i've always always got to remember to never expect anything back in return. dont expect any tender kisses no more, no warm embraces, no encouraging words, no loving look, no wanting to move closer to me. nada. i had it once, but the best i can do now is to keep that memory of it as vivid as possible, so that it'll always be enough.

"it's wanting more, it's gonna send me to my knees."