i feel it again. that aching feeling that runs down your spine and in the soles of your feet because you are lonely and unhappy. because you are sad and tired and tired of being sad and tired. does it make sense? probably not i think? but then again since when have i ever made sense? but that's what it is isn't it? I'm lonely, and unhappy, and...just lost. and it's come to a point where this loneliness has a tangible feeling and it plays on your spine and in the soles of your feet like a sore deep nerve ache. and immediately you know there's something wrong. it makes you aware that you're not feeling OK in the same way that doctors know when someone is suffering from depression. the last time I've felt like this was when i was still living at home and out of the palms of my mother's hands. it alarmed me at first, as i lay in bed crying to myself. then it hit me, at the point where no tears could fall anymore, my body reacted up. it was only much later i realized that it happened because i was suppressed. either i lose my family's trust in me or i lose myself. like a alarm bell it went off. never underestimate the power of intuition i believe. and there it happened. my very own emotional alarm, a reminder that i still feel my hurt every bit as strong as if i were to put my hand directly in the fire and let those flames stroke my skin.
i Wikipedia-ed it later on and found out that such feelings only appear because when you are upset, a certain kind of hormones is produced and it doesn't go away unless administered with the happy hormones. i forgot the name of it but i know it's the same kind of ingredient or stimulant found in chocolates. and so it builds up each time you feel sad. and for me, it's a lot. and then it started hurting me. the wonder of nature. if your mind doesn't get it they make sure your body will.
and now see as always, i digress.
it is starting to hurt me again and i felt it for the first time in a long time on the train on the way home just now. i felt a slight hint of it earlier in the day as i was walking around borders. it started in the sole of my feet but i decided the ache was due to my walking and standing about too much and maybe the ache was carried forwards from last night's clubbing in 3-inch heels. then it moved to the side of my ribs right under my bust. I'll admit i was a little upset then that i was starting to feel it again so i purposely deliberately forced myself to think that it's nothing. it's nothing. it's nothing. it's really nothing. so, needless to say, angry at being ignored, my already very weak body decided to give me a wake up call and my god it hurt so bad i had to double up in the train so suddenly that some people turned to stare at me. you know, right the thing i needed most. to be in pain and embarrassed. sigh, i just...really need someone now. just really want to be hugged and kissed and in all seriousness tell me those 3 sacred words. funny isn't it? how the combination of the 3 simplest words in the whole of known language can carry meaning stronger then any drug you'll find.
anyway, apart from all this depressing shit, there's something else I've discovered i was unhappy with. doesn't it always seem like I'm always unhappy about something? heh. well this time it's about something flawed in my character and the result it has on my friends and just basically people around me. i realized this the day before when Jon and i were having our tête-à-tête and he reasoned with me that...more like reasoned TO me, that i am a nice person. and i am basically what it says. NICE. too nice in fact that i let compassion and compromise get in the way of me not being bullied. he says that I'm a very compromising person and that is precisely the reason i get bullied so much because i give in and give in and give in. which is, i guess when i went back to think about it, true. i was just complaining to him about how i get annoyed with friends and the stuff they do when he cut me in mid sentence to say...something along the lines of, cant you see this pattern of you being bulled because you give in all the time? something like that. his reasoning is that it's a defense mechanism that I've built up due to my mom's constant beat-ups. something in me I've grown over the years to cushion the truth that i AM being pushed around and taken for granted too much. so that maybe when i fell from the hurt of it i wouldn't be in too much pain. and maybe it's true. he got angry listening to the things i spoke of because he said that when he hears this things he feels insulted and hurt on my behalf and he doesn't now why i don't see it and maybe it's cuz I've been dealing with it for so long that I've become insensitive to it now. i dunno. we changed the topic afterwards anyway.
but still, i thought about it long and hard after we went our separate ways and decided that i should start paying back everyone who did me wrong. but oh...I'm still thinking. why would i wanna be mean to someone just because they've been mean to me? why would i EVEN wanna be mean at all? I'm not mean..and i don't wanna BE mean. i hate to think of how that person would feel after i walk away triumphant that I've had my revenge or something like that. and how that person would feel exactly the way i did when it happened to me. the world could do with one less person hurting so why add to it? i dunno la. maybe I've decided that i shouldn't pay them back after all. i dunno. but you get my drift. how I'm nice. how I'm too nice. how I'm too nice that one day it's gonna be my downfall. "forget about your conscience!" like my dear Jon would say.
"My mother moves so fast i do not even see it coming. But she slaps my face hard enough to make my head snap backward. She leaves a print that stains me long after it's faded. Just so you know : shame is five-fingered."
My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult.
No comments:
Post a Comment