I wished it could have lasted forever.
it's true. i've lost the want to blog recently. like i said in the earlier post. everything else either seems to small and insignificant for me to log in and type about. or else, other stuff feels too big and major and tiring to make me feel like talking about it at all. i hate reading back in this blog and feeling like every other post is some kinda emo-potato sorta post. it makes me feel like i have not much of a life. and it was as though i spend every other day blogging about something sad and stupid. which is really not. to the eye i'm like every other normal person. to the heart i'm not what i really wanna do. fuck it? give up caring and thinking or feeling? or not fuck it. and continue being a load of emotional baggage huge enough to crush anyone trying to love me and help me. i was a mess before. i'm cleaned up now on the surface, just that now the mess is in the closet. and i hate it. being a constant whirlpool of emotions can be frustrating. especially when you know that no one's really gonna get it except my alter ego. who does what i probably should have done a long time ago. Fuck it.
anyway, i met up with jon again today. it was nice. it felt really comforting to be near him again and to have him talk sense into me while at the same time maintaining his tenderness. we talked alot. as we always do but today was a little bit different. we watched a whole load of my favourite show, Whose Line Is It Anyway. and the dear guy took the time to look through one by one of the videos to find my favourite part of the show, The Three Headed Broadway Star. it was a rather long and tedious process but it was worth it. it was hilarious.
being with jon today made me crave for something i didnt think i'd need to crave for again when i met adrian. affection. just for someone to hold my hand, to touch me gently simply for the want of it, to stroke my skin for the need of it and to understand that all i really want it just to be close to somebody again. he's been so busy lately sometimes i wonder if i ever come to mind with the simplest of reasons, because i'm being missed. because somewhere in the midst of all the drama there's a place for the memory of me to maybe float to him and kiss his head with all the love i have and hopefully remind him that i am still here waiting. and waiting for a moment he would look at me with those brown eyes and tell me how much i'm being missed. or what a place i have in his heart.
i'll admit it. i'm lonely. i havent really felt lonely in awhile cuz i didnt think i'd need to feel that way. jon said to me today that it's easy for one party to take another for granted easily and that's not a good thing. and it made me think. am i being taken for granted? i hope not. but what's with all the "we've been together so long already" mean?? that now it's ok for us to forget each other? to forget the passion we had at first? the constant need to see each other and the lust for each's skin? i dont want that. i'm not ready for it. i'm trying the hardest i can to go along and be a part of it and try to mould myself into that image of us now but it's starting to get to me. i still wanna be in love. i still am but it, it would give me the greatest incentive if you would just hold me for abit and to remind me that i'm not blending into the walls of your life. i'm really really trying. but i cant do it entirely on my own. i just need a little help because i'm really just as broken as i was in the beginning. i'm lonely. i just really need someone to love me now. to show me that affection i crave for.
i dunno. i dont feel like talking anymore. i wanna go to bed now because it's the best i can do to make myself feel better.
"i've always loved you. whether you know it or not."
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