it is now, 2.45 in the fucking morning and for some irritating reason, sleep eludes me. i am huddled crossed legged on the swivel chair in a pile of over sized jackets and t shirts. it is freezing cold in the room and yet i'm somehow very comfortable, and awake. adrian and i went to bed at around 12vish. and he fell asleep soon after but the poor me? tossed and turned till now. i actually managed to doze off but my bladder woke me up and i couldn't go back to sleep since then. so, since 1am, i have had...some toast, some potato mash, a hot cup of tea, and 2 oranges, read a few chapter of my current read : My sister's keeper, and probably listened to Paramore's Decode 25794 times.
maybe it's because i slept till 5pm today, or maybe it's cuz i stayed home the whole day lazing around doing absolutely nothing except thinking about what i was going to wear tomorrow. i am looking at my hair in the mirror as i type this and i like it. curls go well with me. it takes the attention of my eye bags and somehow draws attention to my eyes. i love my eyes. i decided today that the best feature of myself would be my eyes. i like them alot. i never realize how brown they are until this morning when i stood at the kitchen window looking out and the sun hit my face and lit up my eyes really well and i look at the mirror and felt abit scared by them. were those MY eyes?? i felt grateful that today i got to feel good about myself, even if it was just about one thing.
i am, meeting my dear jon again tomorrow. we decided that we will do the exact same thing as the last week. pick me up at dover mrt at 6pm, go for my favourite subway dinner, adjourn to MacDonald's for dessert, and maybe, probably, hopefully watch some WLIIA videos on his mac. i love him. he has every episode from WLIIA right from the very first season to the very last one.
i was talking to charis on msn for abit today and we were having some discussion (or rather she was making a statement) that i am, a spoilt rich brat who does nothing all day and only knows how to spend her parent's money. and it got me thinking. Am i really, as bad as it sounds? A SPOILT RICH BRAT? how could i be one?? i must have turned this question over in my mind a million times today but i still cant find a reasonable explanation for myself. what have i done that proved myself a SRB. it got me abit angry after awhile. spoilt? spoilt kids dont get beaten up by their mothers. spoilt kids dont have to look after their 6 month old baby brothers all by themselves alone at home, not when you're only in primary 3. spoilt kids dont have to shuffle from home to school to family court to testify in court against one of their parents. spoilt kids dont have to miss school because their mom's hospitalised and there's no one to handle stuff. spoilt kids dont have to be put under therapy for depression. spoilt kids dont have to clean, vacuum, mop the entire house because they have maids. spoilt kids dont have to spend their nights crying in the bathroom because they're not allowed to feel anything else but happiness or risk getting beaten up by their moms. spoilt RICH kids dont have to struggle with a budget of $100 a month and still worry about their siblings not having enough pocket money for school because the supposed $3000 a month allowance from family court goes to their mother's expensive brand-buying habit. spoilt kids..........dont. they just, they just dont.
how then could i be considered spoilt? i dunno. it upsets me greatly that after everything i do and put with with people, i still get judged. i still go unappreciated. i still melt into the part of people's minds where they think that i'm perpetually nice and so they can afford to let me slide by unnoticed because, well, i'm nice anyway right? i'll let it go with a smile on my face as always. what's gonna stop me this time isnt it? and like always, i did the same with charis. "well maybe then i am spoilt and rich." i told her with a smiley face. what else do you want me to say? give a whole long explanation and start defending myself? i dont have much energy for that left anymore.
CPIB called adrian again yesterday. he'll be at cpib later at 1pm . i dont know what they wanna do with him. i dont dare think. i feel like alot of things have been revolving around him lately. i know this whole cpib thing is not his fault and i'm not saying it is either. i'm just saying that there are alot of things going on with him lately and it's got alot to do with him and his plans and me fading into the background. alot to do with what he wants and not what i want. everything i do lately it seems, he had to come first. he always come first. doesn't he always. but somehow he doesn't see that. he seems to think he has done alot for me. but he doesn't understand. it's not always about favours. i just want someone to hold me, hug me, brush their lips on me. tell me i'm adored.
you know what , i'm done la. i'm done ranting. tired of wanting. i'm going to sleep now because it's now 3.30am.
I'll take love as it comes my way,
hear them words as lover say.
feel the warmth of your tender heart,
I'll know for sure I'm all the part.
"i think I'm finally scared now. you think I'm weak. i think you're wrong"
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