recently i've been faced with a situation that in any other normal circumstance, i would stand back and judge happily and walk away feeling good about myself. I know that i would have cheered them on and said "well, you can't blame them for trying... the ends justifies the means right?" and i actually meant that i would judge. I would judge hard and i would judge happily because like i said (and have always said) i have NO morals and values. do as you please as long as it makes you happy. i don't care what you do, to each its own. i am no one to take the high horse so be as you will. as long as it doesn't involved hurting people or animals intentionally for the fun of it, you do you and i'll do me. i don't care if you cheat, lie, steal, betray... i really don't fucking care neither does it bother me in any deep profound way.
maybe that fact in itself makes me as fucked up as the people that i've happily judged, and you might well be judging me yourself saying that I'm no better than the people i look down on. i don't know... somehow i feel like the more i proclaim loud and proud the things that i stand for, the more people will hold you to it and ruin it's good purpose. so really, it's best to shut up about it and just do it from the heart. the things you do for what you believe in, no one needs to know it but yourself if your intentions are true. but anyhow...
i've been recently faced with a situation that i just feel like cannot stomach any further. it's makes it so difficult to go about my life day in day out when it's happening right under my nose. both parties close to me. CLOSE to me. Inner circle type close. no one party is really the instigator, so it makes it quite hard for me to blame my anger on any specific person. so really how question that's been on my mind is, how do you separate 2 people in a toxic relationship that both play willing party to the other? I'm no fool, i see everything that's happening and then some.
I guess I'm just really bothered by it because my opinion now of both parties are affected. I have lost some major respect to the both of them and it hurts that i once had the utmost faith in both. I feel very severely a sense of loss that i can't seem to explain away. and in good ol' Inez fashion, the things i feel that i cannot explain gets converted into anger. and i hate myself when I'm an angry person. It's tiring and it makes me very depressed, and I've been Miss Angry for the better part of my life and i thought i've moved past that. i thought that i had learnt to let go of it and move on. hence.. the "i don't care what you do, as long as it makes you happy" attitude was developed.
clearly I'm not going to go into specifics. but from people i once treated like family, are now both disgusting to me. and that change in the way i feel is ultimately what is affecting me so much.
i am trying, i promise. i am trying very very hard to let go of this anger, to find ways to give myself space to understand that some people are just like that. the moment they feel like they are on the losing end in life, they try to cling on to every safety net that have, and if both parties are willing, they will BLEED each other dry of emotional neediness, all the while complaining that they have nothing ever in their difficult and miserable lives. they're not afraid to screw people over and bulldoze their way into anything because they feel they are entitled to it. entitled to it because all of this added together couldn't even make up for the pain of their lives.
and i don't understand it!!
It hurts me more than anything that i have severely misjudge 2 of the closet people to me. i know that there is nothing i could have done that would have have prevented this. I knew this day would come, it's been almost a decade in the making... but never would i have ever imagined that it that day would come with me in the middle of it.
i feel like i've just lost some people very close to me. i cannot trust. and i cannot try. i feel like heart wanting to close up and cut ties completely forever. things are too intertwined right now for me to do it, but soon it will die down, based on the simple logistical timeline of how our lives are going, things WILL die down soon.
and when that day comes i know i'll have to make a decision...
it won't be the first difficult decision i've had to make in life and it certainly won't be the last. I'm just... so unwilling to make it because i never ever thought i would see this day ever. Anticipation really is as they describe it to be, a dark twisted claw around your heart.
and boy does it hurt.
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