i think i finally found my place. i think i finally found what i wanted and i know now where i need to be. i am at this weird strange point in my life when suddenly it just all becomes clear. i can see my life in 5 years and i know exactly where i wanna be.
i haven't been blogging much. but that's only because i grew tired of talking. of thinking about negative pasts and letting it dwell in a place that's close to my heart. i just don't wanna talk about it anymore. as simple as that. i used to feel that i needed a place where i can talk to myself, and for someone to listen, and space where my own words could comfort me. but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. what comforts me now is knowing what i want. and knowing that somewhere somehow I'm gonna find a way to get there. and when i do, my life will begin.
i've mentioned before that i haven't really found my city. i haven't really found a place, a city, a country that i know i belong to spiritually. but just these past 2 days. i have.
New York City. the city of dreams. i have a lot of friends who at some point in their lives have moved to new york and come back with amazing stories. new york has taken away people that i love. opportunities that went away to new york instead of to me. it was always choosing between new york and me and i used carry this tired sense of resentment around with me for the place they call new york city. and they would come back with stories and i just wouldn't wanna listen because i don't wanna know about the place that took so many people away from me.
but then it all just changed. somehow something in me just clicked, and i started seeing it in a different light. suddenly i wanted to hear all the stories. i wanted to know where to stay, what jobs i could have, if a life there for me is really possible. suddenly i wanna know. suddenly I'm interested. suddenly i believe.
maybe it really isn't about new york taking people away from me. maybe it was new york calling my name all along. years and years of emotional and spiritual build up. i mean.... HELLO! I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS A CALIFORNIA GIRL!! imagine that!! it's like having a million different colours of clothes in your wardrobe, and then suddenly realising that your favourite colour is purple.
of all the places on earth to be. how cliche is it that my city is new york. oh well.
i will get there.
just you wait and see
xx
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