i thought the days of being lonely were over. there used to be a time where i would talk to the person i loved through these blog posts. I've write out the most sincere and most candid thoughts, and hope that one day maybe he'd get to read it.
i thought that i made the right decision when i decided to give us a chance. you were free, you were burden-less. you weren't heavy. you weren't bothered. you were good for me and i healed through you. i thought that these days were over.
i graduated you know. from julian. this was what i used to do with julian. write him letters on my blog. hoping that one day he'll read it. and then with shakeel. when he used to be so aggressive towards me. i swallowed it whole thinking that biting my tongue would be the solution. and then i grew up. i went to shanghai. and australia. and met josh. and trevor. and all the other guys and i grew up. i learned to be me again and it was such a beautiful feeling.
and then i don't know what tripped me up. because I'm back at square one again. i feel like a little girl. young and naive thinking that she grew up but the truth was, it was only in her head.
here i am back writing letters to you on my blog. reading back on messages where you would tell me how much you loved me. remembering the days you would hold me like i was the most important thing to you. the days you still felt like i was your soulmate.
i wished i know what went wrong. and i wished i could fix it. somewhere along the way you decided that i wasn't the one anymore. and you pushed me out. you closed the door behind me and I'm left banging on your surface. i wished that you would let me in again. tell me your secrets and share with me your joys. i wanna know what you listen to and i wanna hear all the things that scare you in the night. i wanna be there to hold you hand when you fall because there was once you held mine when i crumbled.
let me in again.
"i'll carry your world, and all your hurt. "
No comments:
Post a Comment