it's not a mad angry though, more like a sad angry. and i truly fear that all this time apart from each other and from our friendship has made us lose sight of what bonded us in the first place. i am afraid that we no longer think the same way, or feel the same way, about life. or about what keeps us locked in firmly as friends. we have a long history and his name is not new to this blog of mine. in fact, his was one of the very first few names to appear almost 10 years ago. and although we spent the past couple of years or more in separate continents i've always kept the faith strong. that he and i could pick off right where we left off and it would be like nobody ever left. i'm not so sure of that anymore.
he tried to ask me today how my life has been. what new and exciting things i've been up to. who i've dated and how i came to meet the man i'm with now. questions questions questions so many of them he shot at me and i tried my best to answer as honestly as i could possibly be. this guy has known me for the majority of my life. to pretend he didnt already know me well enough by now was nothing other than pure ridiculous. so i answered.
life is good. it's not perfect but then again nothing ever is. i'm with a man who loves and cares for me more than any guys ever has towards me before. did i expect to meet him? No. did i even want it to begin with? No of course not. but we are here now. 9 months later and gratefully settled into a comfortable, drama-less relationship. the kind of 'comfortable drama-less' relationship that i had so desperately prayed for during the darker turmoil of julian and shakeel. and my prayers were answered in the form of Marco and it was finally my chance to live in the kind of relationship i wanted. so i took it. i now lead a quiet comfortable solitary 'coupled' life with my partner doing quiet comfortable things like laundry and groceries. occasionally meet our friends on a friday night or so.
but i guess that answer wasn't good enough for him. and he said to me, i feel bad for you and for the sorry mediocre life you're leading now. what happened to the inez i knew? - or something along those lines. and that lit a fire in me. i thought that he knew me better than that. sure it crossed my mind to blame it on new york. but i wonder on a deeper level, was i just holding on to something that once existed in the past and deepened our connection solely in my mind over the years? honestly, i doubt so! i still have every faith that we still think the same way. still function the same way. Our conversations over something as simple as photography tonight proved that we still connected the way we used to, and to lose this connection would be 100% devastating to me. he is one of the oldest friends i have left. one of the oldest of them worth keeping.
but how should i begin to explain to him the effect julian had on my life, and shakeel on my heart. one right after another. how do i start saying that i've lit the fireworks and i lived through the drama and aftermath of that. i've turned my life around and looked to the more peaceful route to live now because i've lived through the fireworks. i've lived through the excitement of the day. i've woken up thoroughly thrilled for life and ready and awake for another day like i was living the dream. energetic and high-strung all ready to tackle the world.
i feel judged and misjudged, and completely misunderstood. looking back i dont know why i didnt try to defend myself. but i guess it was a good thing i didnt because i'm pretty sure doing so would have made me look even more defensive and indignant than i already felt. was he expecting a clear cut Yes or No answer from me? there are no clear lines in this. when it comes to matter or people's lives, how does one judge whether or not they are living a 'sad sorry life'?
i am not one to whine about how broken my heart is or how sad i feel or yada yada. i am simply not one to whine or nag. sure to my blog yes because that's the only relieve i get, the only place i can safely voice out my thought without having to be a complete pain in the ass to someone else by whining all day long. i'd much rather put on a smiley face and go on and live my life, taking comfort from the fact that the people who love me enough already know without me even having to say anything. i take great comfort in knowing that as long you and i both understand, nobody need ever say a word about it again. that's why i cherish so much friends like santhit, who honestly feel more like family to me that anything else. and i really honestly thought he was like that too.
but it's 5am now. the past hour i've spent just sitting here writing away and on and on about something my mind is probably overthinking. hopefully, he will never read this, all these insecure thoughts about myself and everybody else running through my mind. but if you are, then i'm sorry. like i said, it's 5 in the morning, i'm tired i'm hungry and i'm overthinking. we all have our days. at least with everything else, Marco is not something i need to be insecure about. he is not something i need to overthink or worry about and that's saying something. what a huge relieve it is and a sign of really how far we've come together as a couple.
and with that i say goodnight to the longest and deepest and most honest post yet of 2013. probably the most spelling mistakes and grammatical errors too.
pardon me.
sorry i neglected you Bloggie =(
"people are just puzzles to be figured out"
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