truth is...

Once again I find myself having a down moment. Another drop in energy level, why though I'm not sure. Perhaps... just perhaps, could it be that I'm feeling the absence of T. Having him in my bed last night was comforting to say the least, as we fell asleep holding hands. But that's not to say I'm not holding my own star. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone near. But then again, maybe it's not...

Maybe what I'm feeling is the absence of Josh? And that perhaps I'm holding onto the idea of T being around because I don't have Josh? Everyday I entertain the thought of flying down back to Healesville, and staying till at least August. That way I get to escape SG. Not that I won't be happy here, but I just need to get out of this routine of Singapore. But maybe again that's an excuse? Maybe all I really want is to try to hold on whatever it is left of this relationship that is to me worth saving.

Or perhaps, it's really time for me to accept the truth of things and move on. Right now it's down to one of two things for me. Either josh, or no one at all. And yes of course, at the back of my mind the thought of Shakeel still bugs me. Every time I mention Josh's name I still hear Shakeel's voice in my ear calling me Cheap. He still haunts my every move and even now that Shakeel and I are over I still carry this fear in my heart that at any point in time he can start sending me texts telling me what a cheap fucking whore I am, and I hate to admit it but it still hurts me. It still makes my heart ache thinking about every nasty text he's sent me, every spiteful word he's ever used on me. It still hurts... so much. Too much.

What I really really want right now, to be so honest I might as well be naked, is for someone to treat me nice. I really just want someone to kiss me like I'm all that matters to them, to hold me like it would kill them to let me go, and to want me like I'll want them. T is leaving, in fact, in both our hearts he's already left. He's distanced himself and for some reason has started building walls around him. Walls that keep me out where I once was let in. Josh, has already left. The stress of what I've been putting him through has made him decide that this is not what he wants and that being here waiting for me while I disappear is too emotionally draining for him. And Shakeel... Shakeel has left me too. He has dumped me so so so many times. As though doing it just one time wasn't bad enough.


[edit//]
No. I have to hold my own star. I have to be strong. Everybody's got their down days and tonight after everything, tonight is my down night. And I have to accept this emotion and appreciate this feeling and let it soak in completely before I can find my way up again. Living in harmony with all the different emotions in me. I have to hold my own star or everything I've worked for so far would have been in vain.
Hold my own star.
Hold my own star.
Hold my own star.
Be strong.