so last night right as i was publishing the post below this one, i got a call from T. it was 4 in the morning and apparently he has just been out partying with some of his friends and thought that if i was out partying too, perhaps we could meet up - seeing as it's been a while since he has called me or met up with me. naturally, my first thoughts was that it was a drunk call. well, he wasnt drunk, but he was clearly intoxicated. as it turns out, it was a booty call.
ok maybe booty call is too major a word to use. granted, we dont exactly know where we stand at this moment but from the looks of it, my intuition was right in telling me to wait for no man to call and that he probably is already trying to create that distance between us. so yes, he came over and we spent the night together, but let me tell you. i held my own star alright.
i think it's pretty scary how i did an almost complete 180 degree turn and changed my tune so abruptly, but to great effect. it was almost as though something in me just click, and suddenly i was blest by the gods/goddesses themselves with the secret to life. as mentioned in my previous post. i felt no longing for him albeit raging hormones, no lovey dovey feelings, no 'i miss yous' and definitely none of the 'i wish things didnt end this way' nonsense. it was like i was observing the situation through a third person's viewpoint - completely removed from the actual situation itself. and i was rather amused.
there i was sitting and listening to him talk, him clearly and very obviously intoxicated, being all jittery and tipsy trying to reconcile thoughts with words and trying to steer our conversation into something more sexual, and all i could think to myself was....man, how blind have i've been? here before me sits yet another scared man. on the cusps of change, stressed out and afraid of what the future might bring because of his move to New York, and all he wants is probably some love and affection from someone familiar. he obviously still likes me. because one thing i've noticed is that everytime he's drunk/high/tipsy/been drinking, he'd call out for me, in one way or another. because try as one may to hide their true emotions and feelings, alcohol Can and Will bring them to the surface. and when he's intoxicated and uninhibited, he reaches out for me. and i'm not sure what i think about that.
he tried to talk about 'US' again. obviously i refused to, seeing as he probably wouldnt remember much of it in the morning, or if he did, his words would have been weighted with alcohol. i dont know. i remember thinking at one point, "really inez? you went from Josh to THIS???"
anyway, point of the matter is, i passed my first test in holding my own star. and i'm very very happy for that. really, life works in mysterious ways, because right as i was publishing that last post, JUST when i hit 'Publish Now' his call came in. and he was on his way to see me. and after spending the night with him, i realized that i really have changed. fuck, i really really REALLY HAVE changed. and it thrills me as much as it calms me with the knowledge of that. again, referring from last post, living in both ends of the spectrum in utter and complete harmony all at once.
i realized that there was nothing that needed to be 'tested' because i have changed so deeply from within that, i acknowledge and accept that i am different now. even julian felt it, when i met him for lunch. he said that he could feel that balance within me. and that truly, in my opinion, is one of the greatest compliment he, or anyone for the matter, has ever given me.
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