They all leave in the end, dont they. they always do. they always leave and go back to the ones they love more, the ones they love the most, they always go back to their one eternal love and they leave. but when they do they leave me behind. and they dont realize it.
is this my fate? could this be it? should i start to finally accept that this is how my life is supposed to pan out like? that these men that come and go, they always have some bigger problems to face, some bigger shit to deal with. some love they can't get over. some chapter of their life they're waiting to close. and i just happen to be the transition for them all. or just for the first time when i was the one dealing with my problems, the one guy who wasnt problematic, he tapped out. how do i not blame myself for that. how should it not eat me from the inside. how can my heart not be heavy.
recently, the loneliness has found me again. all this about holding my own star, i dunno what i should believe. i've been working alot with my Rose Quartz Crystal, and... she's my favourite. she's my most beloved crystal, along with my Lapis Lazuli and Sodalite. and i can't help but think she's trying to tell me something. ever since working with this crystal i've been having dreams about these men and these past loves that i have yet to find closure with. and she's been bringing out these feelings of sadness and loneliness when it comes to relationships and all. T has been long gone but she makes me sad that he's left. she makes me miss being in Healesville with josh. it's drawing up feelings of hurt and resentment i felt with shakeel. it's washing over me again the same blackness and heaviness in my heart that i felt with julian. all these people, all these men... it's killing me.
i hope to the high heavens that all this is just emotional baggage being brought to the surface to be cleared out. but i can feel it, when i meditate with my rose quartz, it tells me the same thing over and over again. that this is the one thing that im missing. your life is perfect now, she says, now fix this area of your heart before it's too late. you can hold you star all you want, it doesnt mean you delude yourself into thinking you're not lonely. delusions will hurt you, stop lying to yourself. stop.
but how should i fix it? the thought of having to start over again with someone else, it tires me! oh my goddd it tires me out. i dont even wanna think about it, much less talk about it. i dont have the energy anymore to hold small conversation with someone, to sit and talk about the same things about myself over and over again. to give someone else to opportunity to 'get to know me' because what does it matter, they always leave in the end.
so dont. i dont want the flutter of the heartbeat when you touch for the first time. i dont want that nervous shiver when we meet for our first date, i dont want all that sweet smiles and charming compliments - they mean nothing. i dont want all the crazy trying on ten different outfits trying to find that one that makes you look the best, all to impress them when the truth is, they dont care. and now, finally, I dont care too. i dont want all that. i cant take it anymore. i cant go through that one more time. T just really tired me out with all this. when i thought i had maybe, just maybe, found the one that i could vibe with, connect with, talk to and have fun with.
i'm tired.
and i'm lonely.
fuck this is sickening.
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