i love you more than poetry

i started writing again today. how else can i explain in words what a bittersweet moment it was for me, to finally after years, pick up a notebook and start penning down my thoughts in what seems only too obvious to me now, the only way i ever truly knew how to, in poetry and literature. it's like the world went still for a moment. my thoughts stopped running and my heartbeat steadied. even the room went quiet for me and the air gushed only softly, so as not to dust away accidentally the pathway of words my mind had created. it was beautiful. i was steady and silent. i felt strong and above all, it felt amazing to be able to create again. to be able to churn out works of literary art through words. i could almost feel myself dive head in into the old bag of poetic vocabulary i had hidden away years ago and for that hour with my pen and paper i was lost. i was lost and it was amazing. how i've missed writing.

i dont understand why i ever stopped. in fact, i dont remember stopping. i only knew that one moment i was writing, the next moment i was not and i remember it started with julian. i was lost in pain, too lost with the memory of everything hurtful he had ever said and done to me and i forgot to write. i forgot that writing was the only way to heal myself and i became him. i became sad and destitute and i turned my back on life and stopped looking to the things i love for joy. i chose to live in the shadows and built a wall around me so damn high it kept out not only what i hated but also what i loved and i became less than a person. i became less than a person because i chose not to live.

but i am not that way anymore. and i have grown and outgrown that state of mind. instead, i will write. i will write into my poems all the sadness and loneliness i ever feel. i will write into them my happiness and my joy. i will write into them all my love for shakeel. and all the times i miss him i will write. and all the times i wanna talk to him i will write. and when it hurts i'll write and when it's broken i'll write. because i miss him. because i love him. because he is and will always be, the only one for me.

"young and full of running, tell me where has that taken me.

love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me

for all of my trying, we still end up dying, how can it be?

i want you so bad i'll go back on the things i believe

there i just said it i'm scared you'll forget about me"