anyway, my point in this post is that, i think it's high time i change up my blog. and i'm not just talking about the layout and formatting of it, but more so with the content. not alot of people read my blog i know that. in fact i think if even 10 people read it regularly i'd be really surprised. but the point of it all is that this blog was, sorry - it still is, possibly the one and only true emotional outlet i have. here, i pour out my inner most thoughts and feelings, my most honest truths and most terrifying fears. i've typed while crying, while sobbing hysterically, while giggling to myself, while smiling, while feeling peaceful, literally everything. and i've spent alot of time dwelling in the retrospect lately. choosing to spend my free time re-reading all my past tweets, going through years and years worth of facebook wall posts, and most importantly, re-reading past blog posts. and i must say, this blog is really depressive!!
now i dont mean depressive as in "i'm gonna kill myself now" depressive, but it's just got so much sadness attached to it... and understandably so seeing as how i've poured out practically all of my emotional spiritualness into it. and a part of me really dislikes that. this blog documents my life, and i dont want to go on feeding such negativity to myself and to those who read it. sure not all my posts are sad, but alot of them have this reflective spiritual nature that still brings about this air of sadness and resignation to it. and i want to change that.
i dont exactly know how i'm gonna do that, but i guess it starts with a thought. and i will put in the effort needed to change those thoughts into actions. it's not alot to start with, but it's a step nonetheless. like Buddha says "it matters not how slow you go, so long as you do not stop moving". and do that i will, this i promise myself.
so tonight i'm feeling... centered. i'm feeling peaceful, and quiet. like that's all i need. peace and quiet. i must admit i was feeling abit annoyed earlier to know that Shakeel was going out to drink and party tonight when i actually just wanted to chill with him, maybe either over the phone or on skype, but then i realized, that it doenst matter. all i wanna do tonight is light some candles in my room, and snuggle up in bed with a good book and read. a part of me is glad for the fact that he is out and having fun and having a good time with his friends and if he wants to speak to me he'll call. the whole ordeal we went through on my birthday week was a great wakeup call for me. i know i never wrote it out anywhere on my blog and that's a first in my life, but it was a huge ass wake up call regardless. it reminded me so strongly that this all could be taken away from me, just like that. if i make what i have, the definition of my happiness, and one day that object of lust and love that i own gets taken away from me, then what am i?? if i cannot project that happiness genuinely from my heart, there's no way in life i will ever ever ever be happy. sure shakeel means alot of me, but i have to mean more to myself, not in any egotistical way whatsoever, but in the most wholesome and spiritually healthy way possible.
right now i'm very comfortable where i am, in my life and in my heart. sure there are aspects of my life that could be improved upon greatly, but i am grateful to even be here, with the opportunity in life to simply be able to type this out. so like i said, after this i will go light some candles, put on some soft music, have a ciggie by my window, and snuggle up in bed with a good book - right now it's Paulo Coelho's The Witch of Portobello, and read till my heart's content. tonight, and especially tonight, i am contented to have myself as company.
to all who's reading this post tonight - if any, i bid you all a good good night. and know that in my hearts of heart i wish nothing but good thoughts, good energy, beauty and light for ya'll. Sweet dreams =)
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