to think it ever happened.

i came across something today while trying to clear out a bunch of useless unknown files in my computer that have now become irrelevant. it made me sad. it was a conversation we had a long long time ago. obviously, my computer had decided to save it with the intention of torturing me later on in my life. i'm not sure what i should do. to delete that conversation? or to keep it. whether i like it or not it was a conversation with a man who once had a huge part to play in the shaping of ME. to keep it as a reminder of what transpired and to never make that same mistake? or to just delete it. to simply close my eyes and try to never think about it again - out of mind and most definitely, out of sight.

sigh life is strange. it puts you through shit in your short time of existence here on earth and breaks you down only to show you, years down the road, that you needed to go through shit in order to learn - thus absolving itself from any blame. it is never life's fault, because life's unfair, and that's just the way it is.

so what have i learnt?? i'd like to think that the one year of my life spent with him has broken me down enough for me to learn how to build myself up again stronger. looking back now, i feel so ashamed of myself that for weeks after he left i ever allowed myself to sink into such a deep state of depression and self-pity. i let sorrow break me instead of build me and i had become what i hated seeing in him - the lack of will to fight for what he/we deserved, happiness. and instead, choosing to befriend this black darkness and loneliness which ultimately consumed him and those around him. i'm not even sure if i've heal fully. shakeel seems to think not. but who knows. i guess we will only tell in time to come. TIME, i'm putting absolute faith in you this time ok? everyone says that you contain within you the ability to heal all wounds. so please heal me. ok?

honestly in my hearts of heart, i wish him nothing but the best. i dont feel bitter about things nor do i want my revenge because it's just tiring. for fuck's sake, the man was just trying to heal over. maybe the way he did it was a tad bit destructive. or maybe he didnt actually Want to heal in the first place. but that was just the way things were between us. nothing to be revengeful about. sure it makes me sad. but what kind of person would i be if i wished upon a bitter person more hurt. i just want him to be happy again. to realize that the world is far more beautiful than he makes it out to be. perspective eh? it can really make or break someone. he was the one man who finally managed to break me down. and now all i can do, is learn to build myself up again. and i am thankful that through all this, the universe sent an angel to help me stand again. my all-understanding man shakeel.

what more can i want?

"him: i want you to stop being sad. we're going tomorrow and we're going to have fun.

me: i'm not sad. i'm broken, like you. like everyone else around.

him: dont get sad. get angry and proud.

me: im done being angry. it wont change anything

him: being broken wont change anything either.

me: so says the broken man.

him: true true. but we're going to jb tomorrow. it's gonna be epic.

me: yes. so tonight, just let it all bleed out of me. "