yes i'm happy with shakeel. and yes i'm glad that we at the very least had a normal start. but something is just not right. i claim i'm happy but yet im crying every other day. when im not with him, every other time we talk on the phone, i almost always hang up feeling angry and frustrated. as though for some reason, angry that my pride and dignity has been brought down and hurt. i dont understand what's going on. i am so sick and tired of taking people's shit and taking the blame for everything, that this time, i will say "it's not my fault."
so many times he cuts me off in mid-sentence and it pisses me off. just because HE wants to say something he deems important he just interrupts me? isnt what I have to say important to?? what makes my words any less worthy than his? i am hurt that he doesnt even have this basic respect for me and i will NOT stand for this anymore. i used to try to tell him this but he would just get irritated with me and act like im being the whiny irritating girlfriend and then pretend to humor me. it makes me feel small and stupid and i hate it. after awhile i've learnt that it's something that i cannot do anything about and it frustrates me.
it is also so FUCKING impossible to make any sort of plans with him. because after a whole day of getting me excited over the days plans, he cancels last minute. at the very last second there's always something more important to do (just cuz he feels like it) and he just goes off to do it, leaving me to drown in disappointment. and if i even dare to try justifying myself and my disappointment, he turns around and says "i never promised you anything." it's just so frustrating to me that in order to try to make any sort of plans with him, it has to be spelled out in solid BLACK AND WHITE before anything can happen. and even then i've leanrt not to get my hopes up.
i go when he says go, come when he wants me to, hang out when he decides we should or else risk us getting into a fight, ask him a question more than twice because he doesnt reply and he gets frustrated with me, and reminds me constantly that i am nothing to him - i am not important at all - if something else crops up that he'd rather do, he'll simply change our plans and go. and yet with all that, he says that he "spends all his bloody time" with me and cant i just leave him alone for awhile.
please someone tell me what i should do. i genuinely like being with him and the naturalness of how we started, but im so sick of keeping quiet all the time and sucking it up. i've spent enough years of my life doing that with EVERY FUCKING PERSON in my life. i dont know what to do. this frustration is gonna eat me up alive. i want us to work so much that i dont know what to do because everything i seem to do is wrong - or at least to him.
i hate this.
i hate this feeling so much.
........pleeasseee.e.......... =( =( =(
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