more heavy hearted nights to come.

my heart is really heavy tonight. i keep worrying about what would happen once he leaves. i've tried to not think about it and hopefully i'll deal with it when the time came... and before we know it, that time had come all too soon. what am i gonna do when he leaves?

im so unsure of everything.

how should i react when he's leaving?

should we talk?

should we say our goodbyes?

should we find closure?

or should i just keep quiet?

it's just... so painful to think about it. i love him so much, and yet i have to hide and deny it because he doesnt want it. it's so painful to know that i've given and given him so much. time, company, ideas, a space in my room, a room in my heart, everything i am i've given up for him. and yet at the end of it all, he's gonna go back to the life he had in perth and it'll be like i've never existed. no name no face, just a friend he's made in singapore.

it's not just simply the fact that i'm gonna be away from him physically. to me, it symbolizes something bigger than that. it's ending. i've given him so much. a part of me is going to be away from me. i feel like i'm losing him. and yet the irony is that he was never mine to begin with. i feel like nothing to him. and yet this little piece of nothing is gonna be here cleaning up my wounds alone. trying to find back what i had lost to him, because of him. this little piece of nothing, is going to finally be truly truly alone. i've tried to hold on to that smallest flicker of hope in him for so long. but i guess the time has come for my smallest glimpse of hope to leave. and it scares the shit out of me. what am i gonna do?

Me: i love you so much..

Him: i know...too much in fact. but you gotta be fair to yourself.

"i wish nothing but the best for you. don't forget me i beg.

i'll remember you said 'sometimes you last in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.' "