breathe again

hey,

it's pretty lonely without you here tonight. i feel really tiny sitting on this huge bed alone, like suddenly i dont know where my bearings are. i have to constantly keep reminding myself that things between you and i will never be the same again. and it hurts like a bitch. but it's not like telling you is gonna make any difference because you dont understand. you've never loved anybody other than yourself before. and i feel sad for you.

i wish you could know the joy of giving and loving unconditionally.

yeah sure. very easy for me to say all this now. i know full well the moment i see you this wall is gonna crumble and im gonna be right where we started. which sucks. because i dont understand why despite seeing all these flaws in you i still want you all the same. i still wish only the best for you. i hope whatever you're doing in Manilla is gonna bring you one step closer to your dreams of success. i wish i could be there to cheer you on this race, but you very clearly dont want me around. so i'll disappear for you.

wanna know something? i drove by my mom's place today. well technically, Mike did, twice. my heart was beating so fast and so hard it became abit difficult to breathe after that. its like i miss that place and yet at the same time, i hate it. from then on it was a whole lot of acting on my part. i felt like crumbling to the ground but i knew i had to keep it together because the kids were there and all that. i tried to busy myself with the photography but after awhile it wasnt good enough, so i made my escape. told the guys i was going to walk around and take pictures but instead, i sat by the breakwaters trying to clear my head.

btw the breeze was beautiful. BEAUTIFUL.

i could have really used a Huge hug then. just some place i can bury my head in for awhile. if you werent going to Manilla i could have had you there, but i guess not, and at this stage there's really no point in talking about the what-ifs.

oh....god...i dont know where this post is going. i just...i guess this is the only place i can have a normal conversation with you. oh wow. i just realized how stupid that sounded. normal=typing it out on a blog hoping that you'll read it someday. well done inez, well done. you're officially a fucktard.

i love you.

good luck.

love, sincerely.

inez.

"bags are packed,

but what kinda heart doesnt look back.

all i have, all i need,

he's the air i would kill to breathe.

out of breath im hoping one day,

i'll breathe again."