cold rain, cold me.

perhaps it's the part in me that needs to constantly try to find something good in everything. constantly trying to find something poetic to bring out. this recent gloom, i must say, is very comforting to me. a huge cold comforting blanket for the world's wounded, blocking out the intruding glare of the sun. c'est la vie. it cant always be sunshine and roses all the time now can it? this is how life should be, always. cold, so that we can learn to find out own warmth, our own strength.

im still in this state of silent sadness. the first thing i do when i get home nowadays is to simply draw the curtains and crawl back into bed. at the very least i take comfort from the fact that i like the person im alone with. i could not have done any better than i have, could not have given more than i already did. never loved so deeply than i have with you and never prayed more for your success that i have for anybody else's.

i miss you.

so much.

... ... ...

i dont know what else to say that i havent already said before. dunno what else to cry about that i havent already bled dry for you. it's the same story repeated over and over again. none of which has ever made any difference to you. nothing that could have ever started getting you to care. or to start getting you to notice me. to realize that i'll always be here to support you, love you, care for you, worry about you, think about you. i can give you the world julian. if only you'd realize that.

"you hold me without touch, keep me without chains.

never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love and not feel your rain."