reintroduction

well hello, my life is fucked. it has taken me long enough to figure it out. i keep telling myself that im better than that but it never seems to work. keep trying to find excuses as to why things never work out right for me. or worse. sometimes i Dont find excuses and just cry about it. cry about why people leave me. cry about why there are no answers. cry about why it's all always so unfair. cry about all the emotional trauma i have had to go through. just cry. cry...cry...cry...and that is all i do and i am SO sick of it.

why hello again. i dont even know where this post is going anymore.

sometimes when i look at myself i can kinda understand why julian doesnt wanna be with me. i can see why he would rather just me go away and leave him alone. and if even julian doesnt want me i dont see anybody else who can. honestly i dont fall in love very easily. i hate listening to sweet nothings and compeltely dislike doing all that lovey dovey coupley shit. and then suddenly with julian all that changed. im not saying that my opinion's changed, but for all that ive done for him, i dont even feel appreciated. it is so easy for him to turn on me and hate me but i guess i deserve it.

you know im at a stage where im utterly clueless as to what to do. should i want him, should i not. i dont know. i feel like ive got one foot out the door shifting my weight from one side of the boundary to another. back and forth, back and forth. i dont know what's normal anymore.

sigh...julian......why wont you give me answers??? i thought i had them all when we had our little tearful talk on the 3rd of jan. i thought that it meant things were clearing out for me, we're either in, or out. and with all the answers you gave me. honest to goodness i was every bit prepared to end it all. to end this with you because i only wanted you to be happy. but...the moment came and went and you're still here..still standing right before me in all your glory. and if i was confused before im doubly confused now. were you expecting to tell the truth about your feelings about me to me and still stand here and expect me to give you my all?? because for as long as you are in my life i will continue giving and giving my every bit to you because that is what i do. i love and i help and i care for people. and i think you know that very well. if you dont like someone why would you keep going back to see them?? but then again i could just be vain thinking it's me. maybe he's just coming back as a friend to borrow the gym/pool. maybe it's not nothing to do with me at all. i know for a 100% fact that if he had the choice he wouldnt come over, just like the night on christmas. because he doesnt wanna be with me.

urgh fuck that hurts to think about it.

you know what, ive come to my conclusion im just being vain. it's not about me. it never was. apart from the first night i was sick that he stayed over he has not once asked if i was feeling better. he chooses to ignore my messages when i text him when he's out. he doesnt wanna tell me his plans. he can not call or text for days. i doubt i even cross his mind. evwgio ejksfc mas,C FUCK!

please...just give me some answers. if for nothing else, do it because you hate me, because you want me gone. do it for all the times ive helped you with your stuff. do it for all the times that...god i dont even know what times there are shared between us that's genuine anymore.

please. i have asked nothing of you in a long time. except for the occasional hug and kiss.

please julian. sigh, if only you'd know all this. if only it could make any difference.