i cant seem to gather my thoughts right. all i hear ringing in my ears is his voice, playing over and over again the conversation we had on the night of january 3rd. his resounding "No" and how it's been haunting my dreams ever since. i wish i could tell him, to find comfort in his arms, to be able to cry my heart out into his chest, but i know i cant. he will not be bothered because he will not care. and i dont want to always appear to be broken and sad in front of him because i dont want him to show affection to me only because he pities me or feels bad. it's not the same and it makes me feel worse.
honestly, i dont even dare to dream of the idea of him ever wanting me. all i want right now is to be friends again with him. something we skipped being completely, something that we both have no knowledge of how to be. im more than a friend but im definitely not a girlfriend. i dont know what i am to him. saying we're acquaintances would put us in a category far more amiable than we actually are. ....i dont even know if he considers me more than a friend to him anymore. maybe im just friend-with-the-gym/pool. if not for that i cant say i would have seen him as much as i have. i wonder if i have ever crossed his mind fondly. has he ever fallen asleep thinking about me?? i doubt it ever has. and yet i'm giving him my world. such stupidity.
i feel like such a failure. everything i have ever ever loved always ends up leaving me. regardless if it's friends, family, people i look up to, things i treasured, places i love going, friendships i hold dear, anything. i always end up with nothing because they never stay. there obviously has to be something terribly wrong with me, why else would the people i love always leave?? why else would julian hate me so much...thought he says its just him trying to find fault in me, the fact is that there is so much fault in me to be picked out, and it had to be him pick them all.
i know im not perfect, but i've never felt so worthless before.
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