here we go again

for the first time ever i think i've got a new year's resolution to make. and by resolution i mean a good and proper resolution that i can, and will, try to keep for 2011. and that is very simply, to be grateful. to be humble, to constantly keep myself in check and just be grateful for the things that i already have, and not be greedy for the things that i know i cannot have. sounds like a tough feat, but very simply put, i just want to start learning to be me again. ive lost so much of me being so engulfed by my men. from adrian to julian. i've morphed myself into something else to fit and compliment them that i've lost myself. i guess perhaps that's what julian wants too. to be free and independently confident.

i guess, i've just reached this point in my life where i'm starting to mellow down. starting to think about things bigger than just my existence, something that usually comes with age. im only 22, well, 23 this year. and yet i feel like ive been through enough. enough drama, enough uncertainty. im done with the burning out early. from here on-forth my life can only go up, since all the drama and problems are all tucked safely out of the way. i guess i was meant to go though these things early and a a young age. i know that it's just the universe's way of setting things in motion for me. it just makes me sad sometimes to know that alot of my friends arent at this stage of life yet. not my girlfriends, not even julian. all of them are so fixeated on the go-getting that i feel sometimes that forget to sit back and be grateful for the things they have instead of always whining about how life is so unfair for them. like how if you miss the bus, then you miss the bus. you know the next one will always come along so why not just accept that and take the chance to sit and appreciate the pause. if you're late, you're late. cuz this is life. it will never go "according to plan". you know, age really is just a number. it is no indication whatsoever of one's mental, spiritual or intellectual and not even medical, strength.

one thing ive realized is that, in all honesty, it's really just how you live your life based on the goals you set for yourself. it's not a competition to see who can push themselves the hardest. nor is it a competition to see who goes through more suffering, or who can get the most pity, who the saddest person is, or who gets the most attention. if you live life that way then you'll always be unhappy because you're always gonna want what you cannot have. and really, that is no way to live. always fixated on the things that you dont get and forget to see the things that you already have. by saying that no way do i mean that you dont always strive for the best. it's good to always have goals set for yourself. but if you dont reach it, dont despair because it is not the end of the world, definitely not by a long shot. as long as you know you gave it your best, that's all you should need to get you through. it doesnt mean you're giving up, it just means you know when and how to set the next goal. if it's not meant to be, it's wont happen. and if you're meant to go through something, you will. however disappointing or painful it may be.

i want to be happy. but i dont have to push myself to try to reach the unattainable. if the world was all happy we would all fall apart because there would be nothing to look forwards to. im just gonna take baby steps and start learning to be grateful for the things i have. for the people that love me. because i know that by being grateful, i will be humbled. and if by now people dont realize that Gratefulness + Humility go hand in hand, then they're just plain selfish. you can only be truly grateful about something when you're humbled by it. so that is where i will start planting my seed of faith. i will start learning to love myself and at the very least be grateful about what i have. i still remember the time before the trevor situation came about, i would wake up every morning feeling like i was on the top of the world because i was so happy for the people in my life and for the simple things like being able to just live life. god i really miss those days.

my world really started falling apart from there. after trevor, was julian- for the rest of the year. i was so focused on what i couldnt get and whining to myself about it that i never once stopped to think that maybe this is just life's way of teaching me something. if its meant to be it will be. if it's not, it's not. who am i to question the greater affinities of life? maybe i was put here to teach him something too. or maybe i'm here to open certain doors for him, or to lend him my golden aura because i cant be selfish here, perhaps he needed it more than i do right now. but whatever the case, we're both here for a reason. and i will start learning to be more grateful and humbled.

i dont know where this year will take me. dont know how it will turn out. yes i know that it will have it's tough moments. i am more than prepared for that. i just want to know that i gave it my best shot and that i am here, ready to tackle it head on. so 2011, here we go again.

"if you feel discouraged that there's a lack of colour here.

please dont worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams, absorbing everything.

the spectrum's A to Z."