unthinkable

i realized tonight that i was the saddest excuse for a depressive drunk. i hardly ever get drunk, and i only drink with my friends because i was happy and drinking with them only made me happier. i would control myself and always be the responsible one to send my beloved girlfriends home safe one by one. but tonight, i realized different. i realized that recently, what usually starts of as happy drinking always turns me into an emotional wreck. i dont know why or what or how, it just does. and the more i want to cry it out, the more determined i become to hide it and not let that happen.

i was scared tonight. i cant help but remember that fateful friday at butter when i got so fucking drunk i couldnt even remember the things i said or did. at movida tonight i felt myself start to spiral downwards into that same nightmare and i swear, it scared the fuck outta me. what's becoming of me?? i dont even know who i am anymore. who is this girl that gets depressed when she drinks? it's not safe and it's not right. i was this close to sneaking off and grabbing a cab home but i knew that would for sure send me spiraling down to rock bottom so i decided not to. my first attempt of fighting against myself.

it's so hard. i cant do it, it's too difficult. they were asking so many questions, so many things they wanna know that even i dont have answers for, asking me the very same questions i ask myself constantly. i cant handle this, not tonight at least. i know, we've both been hurt by the people we loved the most. but what i really dont get is if i can still, with my last ounce of strength, blindly push myself forwards with nothing but sheer hope, why cant you. so what if at the end of everything it may break you even more, at the very least you tried.

i cant think anymore.

"moment of honesty, someone's gotta take the lead tonight, who's it gonna be? im gonna sit right here and tell you as it comes to me. if you've got something to say, you should say right now."