permission to cry, sir

[edit/] "i think about your heart everyday inez, every single day."

it's a good thing that i've been distracted the past few days. after all the mindfucking i put myself through i think it's time i take a break. and so the cycle repeats. we all know what's gonna happen next. i let myself take a break, i become happy, become reminded of how grateful i am for life, get carried away being happy, get tired of being happy, and sink back into another cycle of mindfucking and semi-depression. such is the story of me.

i feel like im in such a weird position right now. completely caught in the middle with everything. and this not knowing where to go, is driving me crazy. a big part of me is telling myself that the smartest thing to do is to go slow and let nature run its course. but i am so damn scared of doing just that. nature has had it's chance to run it's course on me and somehow, instead of progressing, i found myself stuck in this same state of immobility and soon the dust had settled on us the way we were. forever in the middle. i heard once that history always repeats itself, but only because we never listen. honest to goodness i listened! and ya'll bet i've leant my lesson. is there something im missing? something i've overlooked? sometimes i wonder if leaving this to nature is going to cut it. maybe i should try nurture instead.

whatever the case, i've been in this position before and the outcome of the whole situation killed me. how ironic it is, that the one saving grace should start trying to restore me by putting me in the same goddamn situation all over again. is it worth it? i think i should have let myself fall to the ground in pieces. at least we know that all the broken pieces of me are on the floor. it's easier to look for me when im all in one place. cuz right now, heh im so all over the place it's not even funny.

it scares me that i never really knew, or rather, never really realized how scared of us he was until that fateful night i got to see him drunk. it makes me wonder, am i doing him any good? i could feel, so strongly the wall he had built up around him, how defensive he was, all to protect himself and to hide him from the world. i could feel how afraid he was of us, of me. and how he was afraid that i could potentially pry him open and leave him out in the cold. i wish he trusted me abit more. but i completely understand. if it was me, i would be so angry at myself for trusting again, the only person that would have been really worth trusting is really none other than myself. but still, i wished he had stopped for a minute to see that i was hurting as much as he was. for me, the wound is still raw. oh my god, if only he knew.

"don't make me weak" he said.

sigh...if only he knew how weak he had already made me.

"it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?"