dear self

i cant believe i lost myself tonight. i dont believe it. dont want to believe it. now that im sobering up im starting to feel utterly ashamed of myself. why ever did i let myself lose this calm and collected front that i've spent years building up. you know, i am unbelievable. i talk endlessly of loving other and i forget to love the most important person around, myself. i just hope that i didnt do or say anything stupid tonight. i dont wanna live with the regret of saying something stupid and forever live wishing i hadnt done what i had done, or say what i said.

im starting to think that maybe im not really that nice a person. i am such a failure. i really really dont believe i pulled a trevor on my friends and wallowed in self-pity and shame. so much for all that "i promise i will never lose myself to self-pity again" shit. i lied! i lied to myself! my head is spinning so bad i dont even know what im doing anymore. i cant. i've got to learn to be stronger, for my friends, for the poeple who care for me, and for myself. at the end of the day it's always gonna be me and me alone. not one else is gonna be here for me. i really try. i really try to be a better person. i dont ever wanna turn out to be like my dad or my mom.

god my head is really spinning. julian may be here for me tonight but tomorrow night i'm gonna have to face myself again, it'll be nothing but me and my fears. and i must never forget that. never inez, never forget that.

"no i never meant to cause you trouble."