i hate myself and i feel like crumbling. i feel like i could have been a much better person than i am now. i feel like a total failure and a total waste of time and space. i dont even have the words to describe the way im feeling now. if i think trev has drained me then i have been seriously mistaken. trevor hasn't drained me. i have drained myself. drained myself in hopes i can redeem this failure of a life that im living and maybe give some good back to this world. or if not good then at least something. maybe i deserved it. maybe all the beatings i got as a child, all the beatings the hitting the punches the kicks the bruises the bleeding the burning the memories of being dragged around the floor and every other memory of being abused, maybe i deserved it. maybe i deserved every goddamn moment of it. maybe my mom knew what a horrible person i would grow up to be and maybe all that was just my punishment beforehand. i am broken, and i am tired, of living my life.
dont get me wrong im not about to try anything suicide related. im not that kind. i was talking to Mus today about something that was important to me and now thinking back i hate the person i've become. the kind of impression i give people, my god they must think im some big time fucked up cunt. strong? was that the word he used to describe me?? yes strong. Strong.. well fuck you all. i am so tired and so sick of being strong! i hate it! so strong people cant break down and cry? strong people dont go through shit? dont need support dont need a friend dont need the kind of love and support as the weak? does being strong mean you can turn away and make yourself feel better about the fact that you are turning away from someone because you delude yourself into thinking "oh they can handle it. you're strong, you'll pull through."
at this very moment as i sit here sorry and tearing typing this down my dad is out sitting in some restaurant with the person i love the most in this world, my brother. My Brother. the one person i love the most in this world. the only person who had ever ever made me feel like i had a purpose in this miserable life of mine. he is my brother to love, my brother to care for, my brother to protect and to cherish. so what the hell am i doing home? why dont i have the courage to face up to my mom? do i hurt anymore? should i? why are the tables turned the other way around in such a manner that i should be the one feeling sad and guilty?? how ever can a mother do this to her own child, the same child she carried in her nurturing womb for 9 months?! did she hurt when she hit me? did it make her cry too? did it break her? cuz it sure as hell broke me apart and i dont even think she ever saw it.
i am so tired. i cant go on like this. hating my mom, hating my dad, hating my family. i so HATE that word:family. where's mine?? i want one too and i want it now! i want aunts and uncles and cousins and grandfathers and grandmothers that are actually close! if only people knew, every time i talk about a family member, i am merely describing the few short moments i've had with them and all that i've just described is all there is to it. nothing more. i have no other memories of lying in bed with a parent with a cousin. where was my mom to sing me to sleep at night? to tuck me into bed? to let me play with her hair or at least to feel her warmth to sleep? sure i've seen that when i stayed over at friend's place but never it was never my memory to keep. never.
there will never be enough tears to cry for all the sorrow. never be enough words i can write that can describe all that i feel for and hurt for. how strong can i be when i am so easily breaking down now? how strong...can i be?
"with your child's eyes,
you are more than you seem.
you see into space,
i see in your face,
the places you've been,
the things you have learnt,
they sit with you so beautifully.
and you know there's no need to hide away.
you know i'll tell the truth.
we are just the same.
and i can feel everything you do,
hear everything you say."
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