OH VOICE WHERE ART THOU

Now as i sit here i am a whirlpool of mess--elaborate later. i know in my previous post i mentioned that i will put up my resolutions at the end, which i realized now that i never got to do. and i dont know why i even bother with resolutions because i know i usually never follow it through. so just a moment ago, i decided that my new year resolution (NYR) is to follow a resolution through. but then again, to make that NYR i would first have to HAVE a NYR, which i, up till an hour ago, didnt have. but yeah here it is.

My new year's resolution is to regularly update my blog.

and by update i mean writing, typing regularly on the going on-s in my life and mind and heart, which i used to do so often until one thing leading up to another, i lost the love and want for blogging. i kinda almost forgot the kind of therapeutic effect it has on me. something about having the words in my mind/heart manifest itself in a dance across the keyboard with my fingers acting like the puppet master. i forgot how it feels like to be having a conversation with yourself in your mind and seeing, 5 years on, a collective edition of the on-goings of the past 5 years. 5 years! that is an incredibly long time to keep and update this blog because when i started this, it was not at all part of my plan. but now it is. i realized the emotional attachment i have to this small page. i can almost see my life unfold in front of me and as i re-read previous posts, i can still feel the emotions i was in. remember the place and emotional situation i was in then. eggciting.

one more thing i am happy about is that recently, the need to blog didnt only come when im down and upset. i've been wanting to blog about the happy things as well. perhaps i will finally transform this blog into a happy one? i'm loving it. no more sad me!!

ok here's the great thing i've brought into the new year with me. an iPhone. strange as it sounds i totally needed a new phone because mine was dying badly on me and on the last day of 2009 it wheezed it's way out of my life. ironic that the last thing i said to it was "hello?? hellooo...???" and then i realized it had died, instead of a goodbye. so i got myself an iPhone and spent the turning of the year strolling along orchard with an iPhone. and the one thing that made me TRULT happy, (other than the fact i cannot spell!!) TRULY happy, is that i didnt spend the turning of the year in a big bombastic way. it was just me and the ones i love strolling down the road and when we heard people screaming, all we did was exchange new year hugs and that was sufficient enough and we carried on walking straight into the new year. simple, and sufficient. i love the fact that we're all are more matured and more settled into our lives . probably the MOST settled thing in MY life.

so on a dreary-ier note, which i said i would explain, yes i am sick. and i think not going back to the hospital is no longer an option for me. tmr i will make my way down and let them perform the countless number of tests on me they want. my sore throat is gone. but the headache hasnt yet had all its fun drumming around in my head. and the worst worst part about this bout of bodily malfunction, is that i cannot breathe. yes i am breathing in small short shallow breaths through my nose as i am typing this because if i even try to open my mouth and breath, or if i take a deep breathe or normal-kinda breaths, i will go into a coughing fit that makes my face flush a deep shade of red and make my temples feel like they're about to explode. if i breathe, if i talk, if i yawn, if i try to swallow my saliva, if i laugh, if i attempt to eat, even to a point if i try to move (like turn over in bed to reach for my phone), i cough. and i dont mean it like a small sore throat cough. it's the crazy chest-wheezing old man kind of coughing. which at this point in time is starting to scare me. woods cough mixture followed by 2 pumps on my inhalers is what's keeping me alive now and i fear, FEAR! for my life because the woods is now down to 1/4 a bottle and it really doesnt help much other than numb my throat and cool my lungs for a moment so i can even attempt to inhale the Ventolin and Preventors from my inhalers.

pathetic.

crazy pathetic.

ok so well, this long looooong post has finally come to an end. or rather, my fingers are getting tired. so i will publish this and continue watching my movies online. at 3.55am. brownie points for reaching the end of this post with me.

The quite delicate beauty

of solitude and peace,

In a world of mysteries,

is an enigma that will never cease.

"ever thine, ever mine, ever ours."