Maybe i should try harder.

i must have done something horribly wrong this christmas. nothing is going right. this is the first christmas in my life that i am spending alone. all i wanted was just to spend it with someone i love and with someone who loves me back. this christmas, i've spent it in 2 quarrels, lots of tears, half a day in court, trying to be appreciative and not getting anything in return, someone bugging me for money, and 42 hours in bed over the last 4 days. am i overreacting? i have not spent any quality time with my boyfriend at all this christmas. xmas eve was spent in court half the day, went for lunch then home and spent christmas eve and xmas day alone. and when i finally got to spend time with him, he spends an hour playing dota, then the rest of the night entertaining friends. then we went to bed, have him bug me for sex, then sleep, then woke up and immediately left to meet his friends and hasnt called me since. so where does that leave me?? how HOW am i overreacting please tell me becasue i would give up all the things i got just to spend a proper day with him. it just kills me to know that he's either going to jail or going to macau. either way i will have to give him up to something better.

maybe im not doing something right. maybe i should give him time with his friends?? no i do! i do! i have NEVER stopped him from doing something he wants to do! the past week all the people were hung out with were his friends! in the whole of our 2 years relationship he has never once hung out with me and my friends. never once. is it wrong for me to just want to spend time with him over xmas? i am alone for gods sake i am alone. i cant see my mom or brother, and my dad left for a holiday with his new wife and friends and i was not included nor was i remembered.

maybe leaving my mom's house was the worst thing i should have done. whatever the case it's too late to go back now. she doesnt want me anymore. she's even cleared out my room already. maybe i should have stayed with her. maybe she knew that all this was going to happen. maybe that was what all the beatings and starving was for. im strong right? isnt that what everybody says? well maybe im strong enough to handle all that beating. all that bruising. all that hurting. at least, all that physical pain can distract me from facing 20 years worth of inner demons.

i am hurting but you dont see that. all you see is me being overreactive, selfish and dramatic. but if i am not so dramatic WILL you see me? will you understand me? you with your perpetual "dont care dont wanna know" attitude. how CAN you ever really care? you already said so yourself, you didnt really need me through this rough patch of yours. you could have gone through it without me just fine. so i guess, maybe its time i take a break. i'm caring to a point where it's no longer positive. i'm bending over my back trying to be positive for you but you dont see it. so where does that leave me? alone on xmas crying myself to sleep.

i know i wasting my time becasue at this point all you'll say is to stop being so dramatic and emo. and then you'll probably forget all the things ive had to go through to give you this "proper" relationship. can i confess something? throughout our entire relationship i've constantly felt like the third-party. third party to your friendship with mas-you were sleeping with her before i came along and spoilt things for her. third party to your gaming habit-all the times ive wanted to spend time with you but all you've wanted to do is play dota. third party to your situation with the court-it's always you and your life first. third party to your family-by staying over at my place you dont get to spend time with them. third party to your job in macau-like im the reason why you should feel guilty about leaving something behind.

so im done trying. i'm not gonna try anymore. you've always had a say in my life. dont meet trevor, dont meet jon, dont talk to so-and-so. dont get drunk when you club, dont meet erin cuz i dont feel like meeting her, why you do this, why must you be nice to him, why must your club, why this why that dont this don that. but it's not the same for you. i cant tell you not to do becasue then im in the wrong and im the one who's being selfish and overdramatic.

all i want is to simple have you there. just to have you here with me.but even that seems to be a problem. it probably also doesnt matter to you that even as i type this my vision is blurring becasue of the tears. it doesnt matter anymore. go have fun with your friends. the same friends that insult me and yet i stand alone because you dont wanna get involved. i dont even have you as support.

am i being overdramatic? well then maybe that's reason enough to push my feelings aside and think of me as being ridiculous.