Once again my favoritest celebration is here, christmas. tis the season where somehow my emotions cannot be translated into words and further on into action. i am so in awe each time, this time of the year. maybe its the excitement of moving on into a brand new year that makes me so hyped about it. maybe......no wait i think it's more than that. it's something about the green plastic furry trees and the shimmer of red gold blue green silver that invokes a sense of warmth and comfort in me. the smell of hot roasted chicken (where im from my family prefers chicken but it works for me either way) with my favorite pineapple stuffings contrasting heavily again the cold winter at the door. yet the mixture of cold fresh snow and warm baked chicken merges and dances naked in front you and tempts and taunts you in. i miss christmas the way it used to be in London. Being in singapore is tiring and i hate it here.
So santa, unlike most other years, this year i must say i have been very very well behaved. apart from the fact that i have yet to see my mom or speak to her, i think i have been pretty awesome. you know this issue with my mom, it's not really my fault right? she only has herself to blame for the situation being like this. but still, i know she's angry with me and that doesnt help me very much either. i think, having lived with over a year of heavy guilt would be enough a sentence dont u think so? santa please dont forget to take into consideration all the tears my little petite body has had to shed. if need be, i'll count the amount of hurt pain guilt and love that has come out of me and bottle it up for you to count. i would even be generous enough to a point where you dont have to return it to me. if you want, you could happily pass it on to someone else. im totally cool with that santa.
So after all that i have mentioned, it think this year i dare put up my list for you. i'll be spending a very sad and lonely christmas this year and even worst still i dont have my christmas Pjs and tree. so i guess, the good little me will save paper and put this on the web, it makes things easier for you too. (please take this into consideration too!)
1) My brother. i would LOVE to see my brother for once this christmas and just hug him and hold him and spend the day with him totally and fully. i miss you so much and nothing will fill up this part of me that is missing better than my brother.
2) Happiness. i know it's a huge thing to request of you but i think a little amount of this will stop my fingers from turning cold and numb and the soles of my feet from cramping and tingling every time i cry to sleep each night. it scares me because i cant believe that the pain in my heart is making a physical stand in my life. a little happiness can save that.
3) Optimism. adrian is leaving for macau on jan 2nd and i cant help but feel totally lost about it. i would hate to be away from him especially when he's been here for me most of the way. i think, a little optimism can help with me being happy for him and for us that he's got this great job and it will make life better for him. he needs it i know that. but i, at the same time, cant help but feel a little abandoned. a small dose of the optimism that i cannot find will help. if u decide a 'yes', you can slip a little into my morning tea of you wish. thank you.
4) New Clothes. when i left the house a year ago i left with nothing but the necessities and now, a year on, i'm starting to feel the blunt of it that i have recycled my old clothes long enough and maybe i need some new clothes to make me feel better about myself. i'm not asking for much. just some Topshop and Forever 21 will do. nothing too expensive of course.
5) A few pounds off. im feel totally apologetic about asking for this because i can see that you've already taken a fair amount of pounds off some other people onto yourself. so i wont ask for too much. maybe just 10 pounds off would be good. i promise i'll maintain the rest properly after that.
6) A video camera. i would totally love to record my life is videos clips but for some reason i never get a good video camera so for this christmas, if it's not already too much to ask, i would like a good HD video camera. i promise i'll vlog regularly with that video camera and send it up to the North Pole for you as an update.
so santa, 6 things wouldnt be too much right? i know im being abit too greedy this christmas but i think maybe for once i deserve something better. i love you santa, and i love what you do for this world this once a year. i means alot to me.
Love truly,
Inez Caroline.
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