PERHAPS SO, I'LL NEVER KNOW.







maybe i need to find something more to get that peace in my life. and continue finding i will till i get to a stage in my life where i hate no one, want nothing extra, and need nothing more than the love and support of the people closest and dearest to me. i realised yesterday that i value the words of my friends more than the words of my parents. hardly seeing my father aside, i cannot give a damn about what my mother says, or cares, or wants for me, herself or this family. all i know is that i really don't care, anymore. things have come to a point where even as i'm talking to her and i notice her grimace of uncomfort and and her occasionaly gasps of air, i don't feel a thing for her. i've lost that sense of urgency that my mother has trouble breathing and may need her medication. i simply don't care. i feel really unfilial saying this now and in my hearts of hearts i wish things didn't have to come to such a point but i can't help this indifference i feel towards her. it's like something broke inside of me. some silent strong connection between mother and daughter finally snapped and even she herself said right up to my face. "i can't love you anymore inez, i'm just doing what i have to as a mother."



to clarify what i said about valuing my friend's words more, i find myself picking up random words or phrases people around me have said and i realised that they hold much more meaning than everything my mother has ever said to me in...forever. once isabelle said "what can they do? the most they can do is judge you." and till today, those words have been playing over and over again in my mind. the funniest part, she didn't even say it to me but i overheard.

so when will my mum say something like that to me? never. she's most afraid of people judging her than anything else. and that's the reason she tries to keep me as underwraps as ever.
but whatever.
i'll live.