can i speak the truth?
i hate my mother.
now i'm not saying this just because i'm angry with her for purposely smashing my phone on the floor repeatedly in every attempt to break it yesterday. i'm saying this in a very calm state of mind i hate my mother. to explain a reason now would be very difficult. it's not like there's one really bad situation that made me hate her since then. it's more like a gradual build up of this hatred i'm feeling for her. there are so many things that she has done and a combination of all has lead me to this decision. that yes, i think i do hate her. i don't know how to explain it. it's just a strange indifference i'm feeling towards her. like i really couldn't care less about the things she does. whatever she says goes in one ear and out the other. everytime she complains of a bad migraine and is not feeling well, i can hardly give a damn if she's in pain or not. to put it plainly, i simply don't care. i know i may sound unfeeling and unfilial, but i'm sorry that's how i feel. i've been thinking alot the past few days about if i really feel this way and i tried to reason with myself but each time i do, the answer remains the same. how the situation has been able to reach such a point i really don't know. and there's really nothing more that i can say about this issue. so now, it's official. i hate my mother. don't try to talk about it me because it really won't.
i get really irritated when people tell me to talk about my feelings because it'll make me feel better because it doesn't. yeah sure, i don't mind telling you about it so that you know how i feel and understand the situation i'm in. but not to talk about it because you think it'll make me feel better and if you do, well then you're wrong. i don't feel better and i won't feel better. all it does it make me more upset about it and then my whole day gets spoiled. it's really irritating.
anyway, now for the lighter part of the post (there always seems to be a lighter part of the post isn't it? well i think it's good. it's life saving for me to know i'm still able to still find joy in things around me even in my heavy heart and in-my-cave mood.) i met up with shalyn, erin and mitch yesterday and we went to the airport for Popeye's! it tasted as good as it did a year ago. and the company i was with, i could have spent the entire day there just eating, drinking, joking around and talking about everything under the sun. i met up with erin first at the hairdresser she was at. the poor dear wanted was perming her hair and the lousy hairdresser messed it up for her big time. when everything was done it looked like a whole mess of hair. she was really pissed. so after lunch at popeyes, all of us trudged back to her place and i, yes I, hepled her recurl her hair with the tongs. i think it looked sooooo much better now. shalyn agreed. man i should take up a course in all these man. back in secondary school i used to help my friends do their brows. now in poly i'm helping my friends do their hair. how perfect. oh and i just realised that my dad stays goddamn near to erin. he stays at the Heliconia condominium. erin stays at lengkong tiga. and the heliconia is just behind lengkong tiga. it really felt so weird passing by my dad's place on the way to erin's house. it was like everything i did the whole day had something to do with my dad. had lunch at the airport. relation to father: pilot. he spends half his life in the airport. (oh i saw a few of my father's friends there. gawd i was so scared that someone would recognise me and like shout out my name or something and embarrass the shit outta me but thank god all they did was smile and give a slight nod of the head.) then went to erin's place, which was so goddamn near to my dad's. i think we'll do fine. spent his 49th birthday with him and it didn't go too bad.
just a note to anyone and everyone reading this. i'm back to square one being bruised and battered all over and i haven't got a phone anymore (becuase it's smashed) so if you wanna contact me, if it's nothing urgent of course, just leave me a tag and i promise i'll get back to you. oh and my password to my blog will still stay the same. "91329201"
yes yes. okay back to the post. i was telling shalyn yesterday that for some unknown reason, i suddenly got angry with chris when i was thinking about all the past relationships i've been in. it's like an overdue anger that i didn't know i was feeling. and it's way overdue because i'm only feeling it after so long. like i should have screamed and shouted at him when i had the chance to with him. instead, i sat quietly and let him shout, scream, insult and abuse me. that fucked up guy. i really hate him. really i do. for making me go through all that shit with him and then turning around and saying that it was my fault for everything that he did. he blamed me for everything and everything was my fault. now i'm not saying this based on what i feel. i'm saying this based on what he told me. he said it himself that "everything is your fault and i have no fault and have never been in the wrong about anything." my god. how can anyone ever be as childish as chris was. i mean, he got angry even with things like the songs i listened to. he got pissed becuse i listened to beyonce's irreplacable. and that i was only listening to the song becuse i felt that he was not irreplacable which would in turn mean that i didn't care about him and didn't give a damn about him. and boy did he make such a fucking huge fuss about it. i hate him. and i wanna hurt him. i know revenge won't do me any good. it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. but while i'm hating him, the thought of him crying alone at night during our quarrels, i'm laughing about it. he's actually stupid enough to believe that i truely honestly in my heart of hearts loved him and wanted to marry him. heh, the fool.
but yeah whatever. go listen to this song. In Love, On Sadness by jason mraz, my oh-so-favourite singer.
On Love, In Sadness Lyrics
by Jason Mraz & Jenny Keene
Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness,
I sing about it in all my sadness
Not falsified to say that I found God so
Inevitably well it still exists.
Pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well, at least I tried
And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, rust and the rain endure.
The rust and the rain so thin
Well I'm in like Flynn again
So go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
You can stand in line well it finally begins oh just around the block
You can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
And there is just one thing that I almost forgot
Oh, see, you and me, we lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind, the rivers unwind so easy
Oh, these are the comforts that be
You see, well, I'm feeling lucky
oh well, maybe that's just me
Well you'd be so proud of me
oh well, if you could only see
How we're gonna grow on up to be,
Ah yes we are thick as thieves
Sing about that oh love it's a brittle madness,
I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found God so
Inevitably, well it still exists so pale and fine
I can't dismiss And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried
And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pore over everything we say we trust
Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
The rust and the rain endure, I'm sure.
Because I'm insofar to know the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be-
Insofar to know, the measure of love ain't lost, love will never, ever be lost on me
Oh not tonight, said love will never ever be lost on me.
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